I always thought being a rock star would be the coolest thing you could ever be. Way cooler than being an astronaut or a fireman. Especially with girls. They like most all rock stars. Ok, except maybe the dudes in Creed. One of the really neat things about being one is you don’t have to be good at hitting a curve ball or dunking a basketball. I’m pretty sure most guys in rock bands weren’t good enough to be on their high school sports teams, except maybe as the manger or something. Definitely not anyone who went out with cheerleaders. If you forget about that time when a butt load of bands wore spandex and ratted their hair way up in the air it was a great gig. The best job in the world. Until now. Somehow things have changed and I need to re think stuff.
You may have heard or read lately about all these political dudes who seem to have gotten more action than any rock star I’ve ever heard of. Who would have made this call? I mean when you see these dicks on tv they look like the AV kid you knew in the 11th grade who grew up and had a monster make over. The right haircut, blue suit and red tie but still a freaking nerd! Part of me wants to give them a shout out for being such players but I can’t cuz they became bigger assholes than the jocks that used to beat the shit out of all of us.
I’ve also kinda noticed that republican politicians are way more horny than democrats. I know there’s Clinton, Edwards and that whore renter Spitzer but it’s not even close when you add up the numbers. A lot of people think the elephant guys get into more trouble with sexy stuff cuz they don’t get any at home and have to shop elsewhere. Could be but you’d think they’d be a little smarter about it. Why do more of them get caught with their pants down? To make it way worse most of them got elected for saying hunting for stray nookie 24/7 is a bad thing. I know a lot of women liked that pitch so they vote for the guy with the “R” after his name. They think, maybe, just maybe he could do something about most men being dogs. At least the guy with an “R” after his name wasn’t a dog cuz he was a republican. They’re different. Well, right now being a republican means he’s a pure bred. With papers. I’m pretty sure if one more of these guys goes down for fooling around Hefner is going to buy the damn party and move it to his Playboy crib.
One thing really true about this too is republican female politicians never get caught messing around. Either they’re nuns or they handle their business way better. Seriously, when you think about it the only women who ever get nailed for doing the nasty are school teachers. Ok, not as many as the elephant dudes but still enough to fill up one of those cruise ships. And they all have blonde hair too. Don’t know for sure what that means but it’s a fact. And they are way, way better looking than any governor or senator. Some of them even look like the chicks in the video’s from those old hair bands. We are talking (early 90’s) hot! Why do female teachers get so horny they can’t keep their hands off pimply faced students? Maybe it has something to do with the smell of paste or fish sticks. Who knows but something is causing them to blow up their lives. Too bad they aren’t into old white dudes who get hard at the thought of assault rifles and low taxes. It would be a Awin-win hook up.
Man I’m no sellout but I’ve been thinking being a democrat is pretty lame compared to the other team. Not that I’d ever really be one of them but I could always get some fake ID or something so I could say (with my fingers crossed) that I joined their swingers club. Unless there’s some secret handshake or something I think I could pull it off no sweat. I mean if my dad ever found out I pretended to be one of them he would kick my ass but it still might be worth it. Even if I probably would have to go to church a lot and learn how to play golf. Not fun but what the heck I haven’t had sex in like a year or so and it’s not healthy you know what I mean?
If I strike out with this then I guess I could still try the music angle. I mean I’m getting pretty damn good at Rock Guitar. I smoked the kid in the apt next door yesterday doing Highway to Hell so who knows I could be one of those late bloomers. The work clothes are more comfortable in this racket for sure cuz I’m not a real suit and tie guy but it still seems a lot easier to be a politician than a rock star. I mean just about anybody who’s still breathing can run for some kind of office. Once I almost ran for county coroner awhile back. The guy who was it for like 25 years kicked the bucket and since I was out of work I thought I could handle his piece of cake job. The only problem was they charge you money to like file for it so I ended up just deciding to bag it. Maybe when I’m like in a nursing home or something I can run for Mayor or Congress. I know it couldn’t hurt with the chicks cuz old dudes need a little help getting some when all they bring in is social security. How many concerts can you take someone to with that kind of bread? So the next time you see some lame politician in the news apologizing for boning someone other than his old lady try to show them some love cuz that’s why they got in this business in the first place. Without that gig they would just be total losers like the rest of us guys. Later.




Strip Clubs

It’s been a few years since I kinda used to dig going to strip clubs. Maybe even more than a few. Now that I have like bills and a sorta grown up life it just doesn’t do much for me anymore. Does that make me gay? Maybe. It’s possible but I don’t think so. It’s probably more everything gets old, even pizza (after the 6th day in a row), sleeping and Roller Derby (ok maybe not). I do know that staying away from those freaking places has saved me a ton of dough. I remember when I was like 19 or 20 and I would drop my whole paycheck on a Friday night. Forget about the champagne room, I was so stupid I would buy every dancer in the place nacho’s at 20 bucks a pop. And about the pop, that would set me back 10 bucks a shot. No beer at the joints in my area. No, thank god. Don’t even want to think how much more I would have blown if I was downing Bud Light all night instead of stale 7 Up.
Since all I do these days, especially since I’ve been able to splice into my upstairs neighbors cable hook up again is watch tv. The dude (Josh) lives with his mom and she buys him anything he wants. We are talking all the pay channels. So for me as long as it’s rated R or TV MA I’m there. I mean if you got cable who wants to watch the lame crap on regular tv? And I am glued to the stuff with skin in it so there’s no way I’m gay ok? So lately I’ve been keeping a scorecard of how many tv shows and movies have scenes of strip clubs in them. Here’s a hint, it’s a butt load! Like about 4 or 5 a day if I’m watching after 8 at night. Hey I can even find at least 1 or 2 before lunch if I try hard.
When I added them all up at the end of the month that’s when I started asking why? I mean you’d think the big wigs (mostly dudes) in Hollywood wouldn’t want to be such copycats but no, so I’m thinking they just like hanging out at those places to film. Or they make their own strip clubs at their fancy movie studios. I guess then they just hire some fake strippers and bus them in to go one on one with a prop pole. Sounds so lame but it must work for the directors (again basically dudes) cuz they keep putting them into just about every thing you see these days. I wonder how much the girls actually get paid? I’m thinking the suits probably just promise them a walk on in one of those shitty soft core movies they put on after mid night and that does the trick.
So then I started wondering if make believe strip clubs have jumped the dolphin then what about real ones? I hear the ladies still dig going to those Chippenwhale shows but would they if they had to sit through wall to wall over tanned hairless posers on the screen all day too? I know most women don’t get tired of chocolate, Starbucks and guys listening to them talk about junk but if they had to look at (and dream about) as many naked bodies that we guys do they might OD too. I’m not saying this “can’t eat one more bite” thing lasts more than a few minutes cuz if any guy lived in the shower room at a Curves and saw hundreds of women each day towel off in front of him he’d still jump at a free lap dance by a non fake stripper any day, any time. I think it’s just the make believe strippers that just don’t cut it anymore for me and I’m betting for most other guys too.
If I’m right about this then it’s really gonna cause the movie and tv writers a real hassle cuz they still have to fill up a script and without the old strip club angle to go to when they run out of ideas then they got real problems. Like filling about 10 minutes in 93% of movies and 71% of all cable programs. Then the other problem is what to do with the fake strippers? They would still need jobs. You know Obama is trying so hard to keep the car makers in business and hand the huge banks enough cash to stay open but I don’t think he and his posse have even thought about what happens to the economy when everyone finally wises up about fake strip clubs being so played out. Where are the fake strippers going to find work? I mean if I’m right about this then we are talking maybe a couple hundred thousand ladies that could be out looking for a real job so the politicians better pay attention to this thing. I guess Republicans could just yell at them to pull themselves up by their garter straps and try working at a real all nude club. I’m thinking the girls are probably going to be pissed though when they find out they have to work for like 8 hours straight in a dark, stinky place that gets raided all the time by vice cops. For sure I don’t think morale is going to be real high at first but after awhile they might get used to it. It would beat working at KFC but the problem is there are way more fake strippers out there than jobs for real strippers. What about the ones who can’t find a gig? They will have nowhere to be naked and that is so wrong. Maybe they could just dance and walk around nude at like the mall or at bowling alleys. Maybe give them a couple lines to say to people while they were doing their thing. They get a chance to keep up the acting chops. Be seen by real, non Hollywood guys who might even tip them and we get to see naked women. Now that’s a win-win deal. I gotta go now cuz my neighbor Josh is going the pay per view route tonight and I don’t wanna miss it. If his mom is gone then we are talking must see tv. Later.



Fox News TV Ratings

I was at the barber shop yesterday when a buddy asked me how in the hell was Fox News number 1 in the cable tv ratings? I told him that there was a lot of shit I didn’t have answers for, like how did all those boy bands from ten years ago ever sell a single record? Or how did Billy Bob Thornton ever hook up with Angelina Jolie? Or even why would anyone ever buy a LA Clipper season ticket? Stuff like that I have no clue.
He said maybe America is full of sorta people who look like the rest of us but are really flesh eating zombies who dig news made up especially for stupid humans. I had to tell him I didn’t think everyone who watch Fox News were zombies cuz that flipping network averages 1,959,000 viewers a night in what they call prime time. That’s when some say the good shows are on, like from 8:00 – 11:00 pm but everyone knows after 11:00 is when Cinemax and Showtime just get going. I’m talking Bedtime Stories, Beverly Hills Bordello and Passion Cove time and what’s more prime than those fine shows?
If you ever do stumble on this channel though what you see most are commercials 24/7 bragging about how the Fox Nation is number #1! What they don’t tell you is even Sponge Bob and WWE Wrestling kick their ass all over the cable ghetto but what’s a little white lie in the tv biz? It’s not really even a lie cuz in this racket a suit can always find an angle to say their channel is number 1 in something. Like in the 67 to 72 year old demo or with 4 to 6 year old’s they rule. Does it really mean anything? Fuck no but it looks great on paper.
So I set out to find people, anyone who would actually admit to me that they really did watch Fox News. And not only when they were high or with the sound off to play Mystery Science Theater at home. I was looking for real, live Fox News Believers. It brought me to a lot of strange places. Like an Elks Club, a golf course, a gun fair, a blood bank, a couple Wal-Marts, a Subway and a ton of churches. One thing I can say about most everyone I spoke with, they really needed a breath mint or something. Talk about road kill mouth. I mean I know for a fact these people don’t floss much. Most of the time I would go up to them and offer an Altoid before hitting them with the big question. Like if they actually could stand watching that swollen ex frat boy Hannity or that pervy looking Glenn Beck without swigging a quart of vodka first but most of them said they actually dug those two gas bags. Don’t even get me started on the love most of them have for O’Reilly. They were kinda Switzerland on that Greta Van something and yeah they didn’t exactly like Geraldo or kiss ass Alan Colmes but they still wouldn’t gun them down like an abortion doctor. I guess they were their dumb shits and as long as they were on that Fox News channel they could live.
So at the end of my little up close and personal Neilson experiment the fact is that yeah, a bunch of people do watch this channel. I can’t lie. The deal is it’s still not more people who actually know better. After sitting down and doing the math I sure as hell felt a lot better. It’s like this, maybe 2 million humans in America do watch the crap Fox News spews out on any night. I guess they have 9 out of the top 10 cable news shows on right now. Or even scarier, let’s admit Rush Limbaugh does have 14 million cretins who listen to his show each day. Now get the calculator out and start doing the math. Do it fast before you start sweating and shaking too much cuz real quick you are gonna figure out things are not as screwed up as you thought. It goes like this, even buying Rush’s 14 million , that still leaves 286 million haters and that makes me freaking proud to be an American! Do you feel me?
I’m thinking it’s about time that everyone quit spazzing out about all the right wing entertainers on cable and radio cuz their posse is way smaller than ours. For sure our side doesn’t watch as much news on cable or listen to AM radio anymore (not since maybe 1973) but we could crush them at any time if we decided to go all Shite on their Sunni butts. It’s really them that should be scared shitless right now. Most of them can add too. At least I think so. Fox Nation may feel they got juice but the truth is they are about as popular in this country as Michael Bolton. Yeah he has some fans but you wouldn’t want to be seen in public with most of them so BFD. It’s time the rest of us told maybe what is 22 % of this country to knock themselves out and keep saying all the crap they are throwing out right now, like that new Supreme Court lady is a racist, or Obama loves the Muslims terrorists too much or we are now the hot vacation spot for Commies around the world. Whatever. Please just keep it coming. Later.




Blog Whore

I wanna wanna be a blog whore. Don’t know exactly what that is but from some of the stuff I’ve read it’s a pretty good gig. Man all you have to do is say nice things about junk that somebody’s selling and they slip you bread or at least some freebies. Like if I said I really, really like Skippy chunky low fat peanut butter, I mean really like it cuz it’s tastes so damn good there’s a chance I could get a check in the mail. Now who wouldn’t like that deal? Even if I thought Skippy peanut butter sucked (which I don’t, seriously, I don’t) I would just need to say I loved it. Pretty simple huh?
I’m kinda wondering why everybody who does these blog thingy’s don’t say something nice about a certain kind of toothpaste or toilet paper? Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut and not clued you guys into what’s going down these days on the internets. Why tell people how to do this cuz sooner or later everyone will be on it and the companies will run out of money and free stuff to give me? That’s a good point but since I’ve already let it out of the bag you might as well get a piece of the action too. I guess diapers are the sure thing. Write something about a brand of diapers and say you think it might help your baby become a lawyer or a DJ cuz they’re so comfortable. I can almost guarantee you will get something out of it.
I read that mom’s are able to get a butt load of free stuff for just telling other mom’s about whatever they bought that day at Safeway. The article said you didn’t even have to give it a thumbs up, just don’t be too brutal like say it gave you the crabs or killed your cousin. Some lady got a years supply of silly string for saying her kids think it’s pretty neat but sorta messy. Another wrote that her husband didn’t mind eating pickled pigs feet even though they made him vomit all night. They dumped a pallet of it in her driveway, like 250 cases of those slimy things and she then sold them at the swap meet for almost 2,000 bucks. Not bad at all huh?
I know I have wrote in my blog thingy about not being a sell out and how lame that would be but this is too sweet a deal to act like some indie goody two shoes. Or three shoes. I think everyone will be ok with me if I start dropping a few words about things I might buy at the store if I had the cash. It’s not like I’m a total whore. I’m gonna be honest and tell most of the truth a lot of the time. Like if I said that Vaseline is a good thing to always have around it would be true even though it’s a bitch to get off your hands. Or how cool charcoal lighter fluid is but can totally blow up in your face like napalm if you spray it into the fire for longer than a minute straight.
I’m thinking this is sorta like a written version of that product placement deal they are doing so much these days in movies and tv. Like you are watching one of those CSI shows and all of a sudden a Twinkie comes on the screen, in the hand of a dead hobo. Even though the guy is dead you don’t hold it against the Twinkie. I mean any hobo could be lying in the street dead but this one just happens to be holding a Twinkie so it still kinda make you want one too. Or when you see rappers on tv with those gold grills in their mouths, without actually seeing a human do this I know I would never have thought of trying it myself. Someday I’m gonna give this look a shot, maybe when my dentist retires. He’s kinda old and would freak if I showed up with it on at my next cleaning so it would be best to wait a few years on that one.
So who would have thought that people can actually get something for writing a bunch of words? I know reporters get paid for coming up with stories but they are pro’s not some doofus who likes to crank out crap about Star Trek (the tv show not the movies) or about how much he digs ranch dressing on his waffles. In the old days (last year) the only people who would read this garbage would be the guy who wrote it and his mom. Now there are these robot’s hiding in peoples computers who search for words about stuff someone’s selling and the companies read all about it the next day.
So before I end this thing I should really give a shout out to Trojan Magnum’s with reservoir tips, Camel non filters, Double Bubble gum, Wheat Thins, French’s Mustard, Chevy Nova’s, Cool Whip, Bud Light, Draino, Butterfingers, Top Ramen, Crest, Kraft Mac N Cheese, Snap On Tools, Duncan Yo-Yo’s, Elmer’s glue, Jiffy Pop, Hustler, Lava soap, Lipton Tea, Lysol, Milk Bone Dog Biscuits, Hormel Chili, Johnson & Johnson anything, Tampax Tampons, Suave Shampoo, Miracle Whip, Raisin Bran, Right Guard, Jumbo Jacks, Kirby Vacuum Cleaners, Clearasil, Cherry Garcia, Wonder Bread, Kleenex and Heinz Ketchup cuz I love all this stuff (except for Wheat Thins, I can’t lie). I will take checks from any bank I have heard of but would rather it be a money order. If you plan to send freebies don’t bother with the Wheat Thins ok? Later.

Rush's Kidney's

So some funny lady named Wanda said she wished Rush Limbaugh’s kidney’s would stop working. Ok, that’s probably doable after all the hillbilly heroin he’s swallowed but why the kidney’s? Can’t rich people like Rush just buy a new one from some illegal immigrant for like 20 bucks? I don’t think that would even slow him down but I do get why all his dittoface fans are so torked. I mean if someone dissed a guy I really, really, really liked I would be mad too. Like if anyone ever rips Willie Mays, Tony Curtis or the Ramones I flip out. Don’t know why but I’m ready to throw punches. I guess we all have special people that we try and protect. Even someone like Limbaugh who spends most of his time making fun of anyone other than basically rich white people. He likes almost all of that type. Who he doesn’t like is women who don’t take crap from men, all black people except those that his party can rent, poor sick people who can’t afford to see a doctor, Mexican’s, homo’s and really so many others that I don’t have the time to go on. Just say he’s not into anyone other than people like him.
I kinda wonder how all his elephant people would like a radio dude from the other side like him? I don’t think they would dig that person much. Maybe someone with a rap sheet like him (doctor shopping), divorced a butt load of times (3) , spins anti white tunes like “Bush The Amazing Caucasian”, gets caught with a bunch of birth control pills under someone else’s name (that would give any talk shot host about 3 weeks worth of on air material), makes fun of guys who aren’t hot enough, kisses up to atheists for ratings while still going to church each week and mostly for being a pussy. I have a hard time believing they would just say WTF and give someone this screwed up a pass cuz no matter how fair and balanced Republicans are they can’t help themselves. I think they would have the guy taken care of within a month. 6 weeks max. Man, they don’t play around.
Like right now since they know Obama is way more popular than them they are saying if you can’t beat him then you just secede (split). Seriously, there are like governors in America really talking about a Blue/Gray do over. And the Republicans wonder why most people think they are wacked? I guess they really wigged out when that Wanda lady joked Rush might have been the missing 20th hijacker on 9/11. Said he was too high on the Oxy to remember what flight to catch. Yeah, maybe it was her bad to throw that one out but does anyone think that he wouldn’t/hasn’t come up with even worse bits on the air? I sorta remember some stuff in the last 10 years that would get most everyone else on the radio in deep shit but he gets away with it cuz he’s an “entertainer.” I thought that Wanda lady was one of those too. Guess not.
I just don’t buy the fact that liberals wish Rush Limbaugh would lose an organ or a toe. I’m thinking that most of those people would rather just see him live a long life so he can see with his own eyes what America will look like with black, brown, female (and not a Stepford Sarah Palin wannabe), gay President’s which will happen in his lifetime if he would just cut back on the M & M’s and KFC. We all really need to kick in for a health club membership for this dude if we want to someday see him melt down to a big fat glob of goo. After 8 years of Obama, 8 more of a Hispanic person to be named at a later date, 8 of Rachel Maddow, and maybe 4 years or so of some tranny and you get the picture, it will be way worse for him than any early exit. So to all the other stand up comics out there, drop all the jokes about him checking out any time soon ok? I think it was my grandma who said good things happen for those who wait. Hang in there everybody, it will be worth it. Later.



Republican's Aren't Retarded!

I’ve been really pissed off lately hearing everybody saying Republicans are retarded. It’s not cool and it needs to stop. I mean what kind of person uses that word when dissing someone? I know my cousin Jesse doesn’t think it’s funny. He took so much crap growing up in school from assholes making fun of him just cuz he was a little slow. Like it’s his fault or something. Man if I even heard of anyone making fun of him I would take care of them pretty quick even if they were bigger than me. Not that I won every fight but I let them know that Jesse had feelings too and they should think before they open their flipping mouths about people who have to work a little harder than others at stuff.
So I’ve been wondering why so many people are now calling Republicans the R word? From watching FOX NEWS, listening to talk radio and checking the internet they are saying some really stupid shit I have to admit but it’s still pretty harsh. I can see why sorta smart people wonder how does someone not so smart say tax cuts for rich people, like those making over $250,000 a year make more jobs for people like me? Unless the job is selling fancy cars from like Germany or big boats I just don’t get it. I definitely understand why that 1 % of people in this country do but I think the rest of us sorta outnumber them so can someone tell Sean Hannity and his bro’s to shut the hell up about that weak idea?
I know the right wing dudes really make fun of this global warming stuff too, especially when it snows or hails in the state where they live. Don’t they know how to use that google earth thingy on the internet to look at the North Pole? That place looks to me like a Popsicle left on the table for a couple hours. You’d have to be more than slow to not see that the fridge is being defrosted. Maybe they’ll finally start freaking out when that Cayman Islands place is underwater or when they start getting third degree burns after playing 18 holes of golf. I know when I look at how much of the ice there is melting for good I don’t feel much better if it’s snowing outside my apt in the winter. I am trying to throw as many snowballs as I can though cuz pretty soon the only thing to toss around will be a water balloon.
I also sorta remember hearing from those elephant people about killing off social security and putting everyone’s dough into the stock market. Well, I’m no expert on where to put anyone’s money but that one never sounded too bright. They still want to kill social security but I guess they’re trying to think up the name of a new place so people can give them more money to play with. I bet working at one of those hedge fund places was a real fun job to have. Not so much anymore. On the bright side though if things don’t pick up soon a lot of those 1% maybe won’t have to pay as much in taxes next year so it might be all good. Speaking of taxes, did I mention those freaking Tea Parties? Those kinda Tupperware gigs where 99 % of the people I saw on tv (a buttload who looked like Rockin Rollin from the 80’s) were actually gonna receive a tax cut this year. Guess they don’t read the paper or watch real tv news. Maybe they’ll give it back or something?
This war thing is really popular too with the Republicans. Doesn’t really matter where. Ok, I guess the one in Bosnia in the 90’s Clinton got us into they weren’t crazy about cuz we saved a ton of Muslims but they dig most of them. What’s really funny is all the conservative dudes who push these things have never even fired a gun except for maybe a shotgun while shooting skeet. They’ve really been able to get away with that old “do as I say, not as I do” one cuz most of the geezers who pushed us into Iraq got a free pass when they had a draft during that Apocalypse Now war. Most of those Neo whatever’s have never had to eat one MRE or walk a step in full gear during 120 degree heat. No, most of Bush’s posse were pussies so I’m thinking we should just let the pro’s make the call next time. And not some Jack Bauer wannabe. Man if it wasn’t for that freaking show that Abu something prison deal probably never would have happened. Torture may make a lame show more fun to watch but I don’t think it works in real life. If it did then all the bad people in that sandy part of the world wouldn’t even think of messing with us. The last I heard though they still want to blow us up so I guess it’s good we’ve moved on to plan B.
When you stop and read what Republicans want to do like at http://www.ontheissues.org/republican_party.htm or at all of the other political blog’s at http://www.condron.us/index.php?i=6 it does sorta make the word retarded seem like something worse than anything I can think of. I mean my cousin Jesse doesn’t have the highest IQ around but he knows that fighting against gay marriage, health care for everyone (like those who can’t afford it), a woman’s right to chose, banning assault weapons, evolution, smarter drug laws, getting out of Iraq, unions and oh yeah, that really, really, really old one about “separation of church and state” isn’t close to smart. When you add them all up it’s way beyond being handicapped and closing in on brain dead. I know if I was Jesse I’d think about suing them or something. There is one bit of news I read in the paper awhile back that did make me feel a lot better, it said Republicans are about as popular as Michael Jackson is at your average elementary school these days so I guess mentally challenged people can still feel smarter than the 23% of these goofballs still left in America. I know my cousin is feeling pretty pumped up about that. Later.


FOX NEWS BLONDES PART 2

Now I’m starting to freak out cuz it’s getting way worse. I was even thinking of going to one of those 13 step meetings to help me kick this thing. This is no joke man, these days it’s blondes or nothing, not even a sorta blonde will do the trick. I’m an addict and I need to come clean. The truth is I really can’t stop watching FOX NEWS even if I wanted to. It’s on like 25 hours a day in my apartment. I used to watch for awhile during the day and then surf on over to ESPN or the Speed Channel but now it stays lock and loaded on the house of peroxide no matter how bad I want to check out something else. How did I get this bad? Who knows? I could try and blame someone or something but what good would that do? No, I just need to fix it and fast.
Having this problem really does mess up your life cuz nothing gets done anymore. Not even simple stuff like taking a shower or trimming the nose hairs. I go to sleep with FOX NEWS on and wake up with FOX NEWS on. It’s the only place on the tube where I know I can find all blonde women all the time. I mean I could waste hours flipping around to other news shows and find one here or one there but it’s too much freaking work. I tried to change the channel the last few weeks, once to that Lou Dobbs’s show and a couple times to Rachel Maddow but there wasn’t one single blonde on for 60 full minutes so I started to jones pretty fast before I went back to my Aryan safe house. Ok I also checked out that Fastball show with Chris Matthews cuz he has sorta blonde hair. And how does a 60 year old dude still have blonde hair? Anyway, after about 5 minutes of listening to him interrupt people I started sweating and had to switch back to my Megyn Kelly - http://www.elle.com/Entertainment/Movies-TV/10-Things-About-Me-Megyn-Kelly or Gretchen Carlson - http://www.zimbio.com/Gretchen+Carlson or Martha McCullom - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPtiZGKE--Y or ……. I shouldn’t really play favorites here, I mean there’s so many I can’t even count them but for the record I do love them all the same.
This tea party thing that FOX NEWS keeps yakking about all the time is flipping boring by the way but the blondes still keep me watching this crap. It’s kinda sick don’t you think? Everyone knows that they are trying to get all the angry white gay guys to tune in cuz they already have the angry white non gay guys, the white gun lovers, the white supremacists, the white taxidermists, and the white whatevers already glued to their channel. Tea bags are nice if you put them in hot water but any other use is too weird for me. I’m really surprised the women on this channel would keep bringing up this disgusting thing that I hate to even think about. They must give them bonus bucks each time they mention the word tea bag cuz no woman I know would ever even say it out loud.
I know a lot of people dig kinky stuff, it’s no secret that Bill O’Reilly is into caged bum fights, it’s true, I read it in a blog at http://condron.us/. The thing is though I really don’t want to know the dirt on all my favorite cable news hosts. It sorta breaks the wall and I get really depressed when I hear these people are just as messed up as me. If I want to watch fucked up people then I would just stand in the bathroom all day and look at myself in the mirror ranting about the 10% of this country who make over 250,000 bucks and are now getting screwed by having to pay 3% more each year on their income tax! I can understand why that makes Glenn Beck spew like a river. I mean 3% of what he earns is like enough to buy a Hummer or something. Think about it, say in a decade he would have 10 less sorta tanks he coulda stuck in his garage if it wasn’t for comrade Obama. It’s just not fair and balanced for rich people so I guess that’s why FOX NEWS is so all over this Tea Bag thing disgusting as it is.
If I ever am able to get over my thing for blonde cable news hosts then there’s a chance my mom will no longer be embarrassed to say she gave birth to me. I really don’t know if it’s even possible but I know you have to have hope if you want to change your life. I figured out how many hours a day I would have to like get a job, clean up my apartment and maybe even find a real life blonde woman to go out on a date with me if I could just get this thing under control. When you add them all up it comes to 24. I guess I should also say I may live to watch the FOX NEWS fair haired hotties on tv but in real life I have never even shook hands with a human blonde, ever. Not once. Pretty freaking lame huh? Ok, not counting the time I went to this strip club and I accidentally tripped this dancer as she was coming off stage. I guess I wasn’t looking and I fell on her. When the bouncers came and tossed me out I tried to say I didn’t do it on purpose but I guess rules are rules. No touching except in the champagne room and I violated that one big time. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only screwed up guy who watches FOX NEWS. There’s gotta be a butt load of dudes like me out there. My mom said I should look on the internet for one of those forums thingy’s where people share their problems and help each other. That would be easier than one of those inpatient treatment programs and a lot cheaper too. If anyone out there knows of a place online where people who have this problem can go and get help please let me know would you?
I should wrap this thing up about now cuz Laura Ingraham - http://www.lauraingraham.com/ is sitting in for Sean Hannity and well, she really, really, really does it for me. I think there’s a good chance she’s a legit blonde too even though everyone says her roots are showing. I say people should stop being mean and have some faith. What kind of world do we live in when a woman gets questions about her natural hair color? Sometimes you just have to have faith in people you know what I mean? I will keep you posted on how things are going and if I’m able to kick this problem. If not then I guess I’m stuck in FOX NEWS hell forever and will just have to make the best of it. If anyone reading this knows how to get a hold of any of the (only) blonde anchors on this list http://digg.com/d1n4y0 could you let me know ASAP? I’m kinda thinking of asking one of them to my high school re union. I figure the old ask a hundred women out and one might say yes could work. You never know. Wish me luck. Later







End Of Glenn Beck Days

Glenn Beck is now bigger than Oprah with the canned food & hide in the bomb shelter crowd right now and that’s why I’m very afraid for my country. No, it’s not cuz he’s gonna tell everyone who watches his program to climb up in clock towers and pick off MSNBC fans, it’s cuz pretty soon there’s gonna be a butt load of Glenn wannabes. Are you ready for a cable channel full of Nostrabeck’s? Well that’s coming real soon to scare the shit out little kids who accidentally surf past FOX NEWS on the way to Hannah Montana and Nick at Night and it ain’t right.
I don’t know if there’s anything we can do about it but we gotta at least warn as many people as possible that real soon things are gonna get flipping weird with this asshole ruling the airwaves. I mean I heard his ratings now are not just huge, they are really huge! Does that freak you out? It should. I could handle a couple million dweebs copying Larry King’s annoying laugh or Shaun Hannity’s little smirk. It would get on my nerves but nothing like seeing tears dripping down the faces of gazillions of grown ups who dig some tv whore with a weak sorta flat top and a bunch of boring of stories about the end of days coming in a week or so. Getting the family jewels waxed sounds more fun.
I have an uncle who knows a guy that went to high school with Beck and he said even back then he was really good at crying. Whether he got creamed in dodge ball at PE or handed a warm milk at lunch this bitch would start acting like a one of the Octomom’s lost kids at dinner time. Do we really want a country of little bawlers? People that start weeping at anything like a stop sign or a can opener? You’d think the average angry white male FOX NEWS viewer would hate any kind of softness but not with the Beckster. They love him. They really love him. I do kinda think though some of his tears are fake, like when he’s talking about Mexican’s or taxes. He’s gotta be sniffing liquid onions or skunk juice to pull it off cuz foreigners and tea parties just don’t do it for normal people. I read somewhere that all the soap opera stars use some special stuff that helps them look bummed out so that may be his little secret. I’m thinking after writing about this I’m gonna have to put an extra lock on the apartment door cuz you know he has people who have people that will want to visit anyone who tries to spill the beans and pull back the curtain.
Tonight I heard him go on and on about this “9-12 thingy” during his show. I guess he wants everyone to rise up and take this country back but he never said from who or what. Is it some gay guys from San Francisco? Is it those Wall Street bastards? Or is it the socialists? Before I take anything back with or without a receipt I have to know who it is I need to talk to. He also didn’t really say what we should do if whoever it is who is in charge doesn’t want to hand over the country. Does that mean we have to go gangster and say we are gonna hurt their families or pets if they don’t go along with the program? I know I’m not very good at that sort of thing but I’m sure Glenn knows all about being a badass. From watching his show he’s always talking about that 2nd or is it 22nd amendment, the rule that says all humans should be strapped 24/7 to keep us free from terrorists and Mexicans so if he gave the order it could get bloody real fast!
I wonder who would be in charge of America if Glenn’s “9-12” posse does take over? I know it would be tough to still do his thing on FOX NEWS and be the head of the not so free world but if anyone could do it Glenn would be the man. He wouldn’t even have to schedule any of those fireplace raps cuz he’s already on tv almost every night of the week counting re runs. I bet he would have every person in this country crying right along with him in the first week and I’m pretty sure he’d also want most of us to start stocking up on pampers, tea bags and ammo in our basements. I’m not positive about the magic underwear but there’s a good chance we might have one of those dress codes too. You know, guys with short sleeve white dress shirts and girls with dresses that their grandma’s would even think were lame.
Getting back to Glenn’s “9-12 thingy”, he’s put out this list of stuff America needs to do right now, I think he kinda ripped off those 10 suggestions from the bible except he left one out in his. That’s where he got the 9 part of “9-12”. Kinda catchy huh? Most of them are stale though like, “I work hard for what I got and I’ll share it with whom I want” and the one I think is his big one, “The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me!” I’m guessing that’s the money line that’s gonna make him the shit real soon. I mean there’s a ton of pissed off dudes who don’t know who to shoot first now that the government is coming after their guns. It’s looking like they are gonna do the dirty work for him, sorta like offensive lineman in a football game.
I wonder if he’s figured out yet that if his posse does take over and he is the next David Koresh sooner or later they sure as hell will turn on him too? That’s what true believers do. The problem is they have guns coming out of their ass and always will need someone to shoot at. Especially since any Democrat with a brain will have moved to Toronto or Cancun. That pretty much means these knuckleheads with be shooting at each other too in no time at all. Will it be entertaining? Hell yes but what about those republicans who don’t drink the Kool-Aid? The ones who know that this douche bag Beck is faking it? That it’s all a big joke to him off the air? Well, you know they’ll be the first ones to go in a sort of Pol Pot way. Fast and quick like flushing a toilet.
I don’t know if he will even let people like me watch his show anymore when this all goes down so I should probably be thinking about owning a satellite dish right now like all the people do in that sandy part of the world who want to see stuff that they aren’t supposed to. Whatever happens man just remember I’ll do my best to hang in there until they pry my cold dead fingers off this keyboard. Until then, later.



Tea Bag Party Anyone?

There are parties and there are parties. I’ve been to like a ton of weak parties but at least most of them have free beer or something that’s worth leaving your apartment for. This new kind of party that the dweebs on FOX NEWS keep talking about seems flat out too weird for even me. I guess Tea Bag Parties are really popular right now with their viewers. Who would have seen this one coming? They’re trying to be retro like the dudes in Boston a couple hundred years ago, and boy were they into some kinky shit! I think it was Hannity who said people back then hated taxes so much they did some stuff that was so gross it made the British soldiers puke and later they just left America as fast as they could.
So I started to think about what other stuff was popular way back and could be something the FOX NEWS groupies would still dig these days. The first thing that I thought of was they could start burning witches again but since I haven’t seen an actual witch since Samantha Stevens I guess gays would be their back up choice. I have never watched someone burned at the stake but I’ve read it’s a real crowd pleaser. Maybe they could even bring in Ann Coulter to be the announcer. I see killer ratings with this one.
For those people who are not into human flesh burning out of control they might be into watching a caged match between an Indian and a cowboy. Better yet two or three Indians against a couple hundred guys on horseback with rifles. That would have to be done outside, like in someone’s backyard cuz the horses would make a real mess inside. Yeah it would be dangerous for the camera guys and the best boy what with all the bullets flying around but think of how many eyeballs would be glued to the tube for this. I’m thinking pay per view and it would double the numbers for Oscar De La Hoya’s last few fights.
How about doing a real one of those “civil war re-enactments” for the people who live in the south. I’m thinking a good way to guarantee this would be a monster hit is to let the confederates win just this time. Yeah, there would be a few slaves that didn’t get freed but if you paid them under the table it’s a win-win deal for everyone. Maybe instead of Sherman’s march through Atlanta the gray dudes could invade LA and to the people who live there it would be just another wild fire and no big deal. There’s no telling how happy this would make the people from Dixie cuz it seems they still haven’t gotten over getting their butts kicked by that wacky looking Lincoln. It’s a good thing they didn’t really win or we would have way too many drinking fountains for all the different colored people that live in America these days. There’s so many kinds I can’t even count them.
I’ve read in the paper that the average FOX NEWS watcher is a white dude over 50 so there’s a good chance they would dig a do over on the decision to let women vote. I don’t think anyone could actually take this away from chicks cuz nowadays they out number the guys. I guess if they really wanted to they could tell men to go play in the freeway in the next election and not even think about voting. All they would have to do is put it up for a vote and make sure they had some kind of a two for one dinner coupon for every female who said yes to keeping dudes out of the booth and in the garage where they belong.
A real crowd pleaser would be to let a FOX NEWS viewer have a chance to turn a fire hose on a black man, woman or child. It’s a lot more hip than hanging some colored guy cuz he looked at a white woman the wrong way. Maybe charge them 5 bucks a turn and fork over most of the dough to a charity like the NRA or the Elks. We are talking elephant bucks if they could get Tiger Woods or Michael Jackson to volunteer to get hosed. I know it’s not a lot of fun to have water coming at you hard and fast but it would be for a good cause so this might work out for everyone. If they tried this in the winter though someone would have to come up with a wet suit cuz you know if anybody caught a cold they would sue Rupert Murdoch for a butt load of cash.
Now some tv fans don’t like too much blood and guts. They get their fill on all the CSI’s so I’m bet a game show where they could pick the real communist from a pack of fake communists would draw pretty big numbers. Especially with all the talk about Obama being a socialist this idea is so right now! The only problem I see is being able to find an actual communist in this country. I heard most of them moved away cuz they’re bored that nobody hates them anymore. This show could turn back the clock to a time where this stuff would matter again. I mean maybe McCarthy’s dead but there’s still O’Reilly and Glenn Beck to fill in and do the job. This one’s totally doable.
The whole 60’s summer of love thing would never work again cuz it wasn’t ever popular with republicans. I mean think of how out of it they felt during this time? A re do isn’t something that’s on their list right now so why not maybe the walk on the moon? That was a pretty important thing for us cuz we beat the Russkies there and got to stick our flag in the ground and say first dibs. I bet a lot of FOX NEWS fans would dig watching one of their own walk on the moon again but this time it would be put on by the private sector, maybe Halliburton instead of NASA. Government would be off our backs and think of the bread that could be made off the naming rights for the moon, the product placements, the time shares that could be built?
I don’t really know when this old school thing is going to end. I’m betting most people will get sick of repeating all the stuff that’s already been done but everyone needs to remember these FOX NEWS fans are pretty intense. I don’t think many of them are embarrassed to be seen doing lame shit so this probably will be popular for awhile longer. The only way they give it up is when do over’s get so popular stuff they hate starts getting air time. I’m thinking like a Kennedy/ Nixon rematch with the same winner, Clinton getting another BJ or Obama beating McCain again and again and again. That might do the trick and get them to quit messing with history. Yeah, it can repeat itself but it doesn’t need the help of angry white guys to pull it off. Later.




Make Money Or Die

So I watching the news on tv the other night and this senator from like Iowa came on, I think his name was Grass-something and he threw down like a real gangsta straight outa Compton. I mean the guy said all the dudes at that AIG company, you know the dumbshit’s that lost a couple gazillion bucks, should either quit right now or off themselves. He didn’t say how, like should they put a bullet in their head or to drink a gallon of bleach but he was pretty clear that they had two choices and both of them would leave them out of work. I guess Japanese head honcho’s that fuck up do the right thing by sticking a sword in their stomachs and call it a life. I had never heard a senator call really rich business guys little bitches cuz they are still breathing. I had no idea who this 70 year old geezer was or that he was that hard but I know now that I would be totally nice to him if he ever door belled at my apt.
This really got me to think though. What if this starts to catch on here in America? I mean it’s kinda harsh don’t you think? Except for like lawyers, bill collectors, meter maids, those Alan Kada dudes, guy cheerleaders and a butt load more but I’m getting kinda getting tired of thinking of more people who should try this. I’m sure you can name some too but anyway then I started thinking how many times I’ve fucked up in my life. By that senator Grass-something’s rules, I should have killed myself way back probably starting in the 10th grade when I flunked shop class (which was almost impossible to do). Or when I had that paper route after I got out of high school and I sorta forgot about delivering them for a couple weeks. Actually I didn’t really forget, it was in February and it was so cold that my pet rabbit Jimmy that I kept in the backyard like froze solid. Boy, were my customers pissed cuz I always collected a month in advance. I guess I should have at least cut myself with a sharp knife or something after that one.
When you think about it after a few years of this the only people left will be the smart people who never screw up. How boring would that be? I mean for smart people to really have fun being smart they need stupid people around to compare themselves to. Me, I need really, really, really stupid people to compare myself to and it seems to be getting harder each year to find them. I know they’re out there but there’s just not as many of them around my neighborhood. Or I’m getting more stupid faster than Tony Stewart. I’d rather think I’m just not meeting enough idiots, that they’re still around somewhere. Maybe I should drop by Wal-Mart, maybe the bowling alley or even the Hooters near the mall.
Think about all the stupid people that wouldn’t be around right now if they turned Japanese! We are talking about Bush and or Cheney, Roger Clemens, Pia Zadora, Glen Beck, any Kardashian, the Fox News Blondes, GM big wigs, Monica Lewinsky, Saddam Hussein and so many more that I’ll leave it to you to finish up. So I have to admit the world would probably be a better place if all the losers did go away to like a loser island or something. That way they wouldn’t have to kill themselves right away. They could hang out together, maybe play some beach volleyball or do a limbo contest, just basically annoy the shit out each other until they decided death beat the hell out of spending quality time with assholes. It would be a win-win for everyone except I guess them.
Maybe some of you out there saw that senator Grass something too and are already telling the screw ups you know to do the honorable thing and eat the gun cuz it’s way easier than using a big freaking sword. I mean how many people even own one of those? Most humans in this country have a gun or three, especially all those republicans who have wet dreams about them. If everyone who voted for Bush looked in the mirror and realized how unbelievably stupid they were then there wouldn’t be many people left in the states that used to wear the gray uniforms. I mean Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi would stop looking like old school South Africa and more like Detroit.
I guess we are going to have to wait awhile to see how this new fad plays out. There’s a chance that most of the bozo’s in this country will decide they would rather live than do the right thing. Yeah, that would be really selfish but what are you going to do? I know I am going to try and learn more about those Japanese dudes. How come they have bigger balls than anyone else? They make us Americans look like pussies and I don’t like that. Maybe I should show them that we know what that “honor” thing is too but the problem is I’m not ready to die. I wonder if our country can get any points for having so many drug addicts and drunks? They may not go out like heroes but they do the best they can. I mean it’s tough holding a sword when you’re so high you can’t crawl.
I guess it’s a whole new game now that the world is like bankrupt but I still hope there are enough smart people around to get us out of this mess. If not then I guess stupid wins and it’s go time. Right now though I need to flip on the Speed Channel and watch a NASCAR race from sometime last year. I know who won but what else am I going to do? Read a book? Later.




Ann Coulter Dumped Me

So if anyone cares, it didn’t go real well with Ann Coulter. She may look like a really, really, really hot bulimic he/she but on the inside I think she’s not very nice. Ok, I know most people besides me and maybe a couple Neo Nazi’s already knew this but sometimes love makes you do dumb stuff.
She wouldn’t even say hi when I called her, (I got her cell number from this death row pen pal web site) she just sorta grunted uh-huh and sounded like she was maybe clipping her toenails or something when she was kinda talking to me. I figured I had a minute or two to make her like me so I worked as quick and hard as I could. Should I have brought up her hotness right away? Well, I did and at first I thought she stopped clipping so that sounded like I might have a shot but it turned out she was done with that and had just started flossing her teeth. Since I couldn’t understand anything she was saying I had to wait until she had gargled and then it was easy to hear her say that she had no clue who I was and to like never call her again.
Then I knew I only had a second or two before she hung up so I screamed that I hated those scum sucking liberal democrats and I wanted to do something to show her how evil they were. That seemed to work as she was quiet for maybe a minute and then she asked me what my sign was. I’ve never really had a sign so I said Libra cuz it was the only one I knew and I guess it was the magic word or something. It was kinda weird really. She then asked me my blood type and I think I said O Positive cuz I had heard that kinda blood on CSI the night before. You woulda thought I said I was a Jonas Brother or something man, she went ape shit. I later read on her web site thingy that she is totally into blood types, something about being “a road map to true whiteness” so it sorta made sense.
I never had gone out with a chick who was so into the “white thing.” I mean once in high school I did date this black girl who would only go out with white guys and my black buddies could never understand why she wouldn’t share the love. After awhile I quit calling her cuz I thought she was one of those racist people. When I found out like 10 years later she married some rapper from Compton I thought I may have screwed up as she was the best kisser I had ever kissed. That was when I first learned that sometimes when you think someone doesn’t like black people it might only be temporary.
So Ann asked me if I wanted to meet at a Starbucks the next day near her place and I told her it would be tough cuz I lived across the country in like Tacoma Washington. That might have been the deal killer cuz then she went on and on about how many serial killers that have come from my hometown. I still don’t know if she meant it was a bad or cool thing but I did know that living so far away from her would make it tough for a booty call so I said I might be packing up everything and moving back east when I finally got that trailer hitch put on my El Camino. Thinking back that seemed like when she really started talking mean to me. Mostly she was pissed that I couldn’t come right over to help her paint her bathroom. Even when I told her that if I could sell enough of my type O Positive blood to buy a plane ticket I probably couldn’t help much with painting cuz I was allergic to latex (something I remembered that almost killed the wife of my high school principal so it seemed like a good line). I guess that was what finally did it and made her hang up but as a friend said to me, if it wasn’t the painting thing it would have been something else like not doing a cross burning right or being too nice to a dude who looked like an Arab. Almost anything could have pissed her off.
I know a lot of you told me in emails that I was crazy even to think about dating Ann Coulter. That I would regret letting my lust make me do something really stupid and I know you guys were looking out for me but there are times when you just have to say what the fuck and take a shot at the girl of your dreams. Yeah, it didn’t go real well but at least now when I see her on all the FOX NEWS shows I can say I almost had her and it feels pretty good. It’s like this guy who works at the re cycling center told me last week (I don’t remember his name), he said love is like a piece of cardboard, some people may not even notice it laying on the ground in front of their face but others are smart enough to bend over and pick it up. I bent over. How about you? Later.



GOP DRUG KINGPIN

Rush Limbaugh has to be the first ex (?) junkie to ever be the head cheese of a political party in this country. Do you remember when drug war vets like him would be spit on and thought of as scum but times sure have changed. What a great country we live in huh? I guess he’s kind of the daddy figure to republicans and without him they would probably just start the insurgency right now so I guess it’s way better he’s not locked up in some prison like all the other drug addicts. I mean don’t you think a wild mob is a lot scarier when no ones in charge?
If Limbaugh was a rapper though he wouldn’t have much street cred cuz he’s never walked the talk. The story in the papers I read about him said he was such a pussy he was too chicken to even try and score his own dope with the neighborhood pushers. No, Rush sent out his maid to keep him in drugs I’ve never even heard of, like Lorcet, Norco and hydrocodone (Jethro Bodine junk I think). Kinda pitiful isn’t it? If the help didn’t come through for him then he just went doctor shopping in 3 different states, begging for a fix. He must have been really good at it too cuz he got like 19 different prescriptions for a butt load of pills. So many that the whole state of Utah could have stayed high for maybe 6 months.
I don’t know if Limbaugh would have changed his mind about locking up all drug users for life if he himself had ever been locked up along with other criminals. We’ll never know cuz when he was popped he got a really, really, really expensive mouthpiece and never did one day in stir. No, instead he just got told that drugs were bad and went to rehab. Kind of like it would be if drug’s weren’t illegal. Cuz they are illegal you could say he got kind of a sweet deal. Cuz they are illegal you could also say it wasn’t real fair either, especially if you were locked up for enjoying drugs yourself. Sometimes when you get up close and personal with people that make you sick it somehow lets you learn that they aren’t as bad as you thought they were. I think if Rush had gone to prison he would have done ok and been pretty popular, his buddies inside maybe wouldn’t have become ditto heads but at least the white supremacists guys would have let him join their club and probably even made him grand dragon or something even cooler so getting off from his beef might have been one of those “be careful what you wish for” deals. He may have missed the best 10 to 20 years of his life. Killer ratings on the radio are one thing but being the king of a cell block is taking his game to another level.
When you think about it the Republican party is way more liberal than the Democrats. I mean they may hate our black president but they do love a junkie and no way would any other party in America would be brave enough to pick some dude with a 10 ton monkey on his back to be their main man. The liberals would probably punk out and not even let a dude like him show up at their convention but these conservatives really have a set of balls. They would not only let him in the building but they’d suck his wiener too in front of the whole world. Why? Maybe the party thinks they need to be his sponsor and help him kick. Or they worry about making him feel bad if they told him the truth, that a tubby old white drug addict is not the best front person for a party that is about to be a small gathering instead. How brave are they knowing that soon their party will be as popular as polio while they stand by their man? Pretty fucking brave I think.
I just saw him on the news tonight speaking at some conservative convention a couple days ago and he looked so hopped up on speedballs that I thought he was going to pogo off the stage and break a leg while doing his act. I mean he had some serious sweat dripping down his puffy face and I thought only in America would a sad dude like this have a shot at being somebody. You know Celebrity Rehab would take him in a second but other than that he would have no shot at show biz without the kindness of the Republican party and you have to give them some love for being so nice to this loser. I’m tired of them getting that bad rap for dissing everyone who wasn’t white, rich and a golfer. Ok, you could say Rush is all three of these things but he’s more, like a stinking drugged up maggot piece of crap too and he’s pretty much the head of their party so how cool is that?
Because of Rush Limbaugh I have had to re think everything I’ve always thought of Republicans and it feels good to admit it. This man does need a helping hand right now as he tries to stay with his 12 step program, submit his UA’s and lead the party of Lincoln. It won’t be easy but he knows not just any junkie could even try to pull this off. He’s Rush freaking Limbaugh and if anyone can do it he will. Just don’t be real surprised that sometime real soon he may be found face down in his own vomit, his solid gold EIB microphone hanging in some pawn shop and ditto heads everywhere asking where did daddy go? Probably to a better place. Time will tell. Later.



Three America's

So how messed up is this country right now? Is it me or do other people seem like they’re watching a totally different movie than you? I kinda know a little bit about the first time this went down, when people wore like blue and gray. Since I’m into mostly black I hope I don’t ever have to chose either of those colors to put on cuz they both look really lame. Anyway, that Chris dude on his Fastball show talked for like an hour about America being “divided” and since that sounded like a bad thing I’ve been thinking if there is something I could do to help out.
I know you’ve all heard about the “Two America’s” line but that just isn’t true. Anyone with a brain knows there’s at least 3 America’s right now. You got your Obama likers, your Obama haters and you got your aliens. Not those guys from Mexico and Brazil who do stuff we’re too freaking lazy to do, I’m talking about real aliens from outer space. You know they’re here and living in your neighborhoods right now. How can anyone say this ain’t true? Maybe you’ve never had some green guy put his ring finger up your ass but you sure as hell have at least waved to them walking down the street cuz they’re everywhere! Not as many as the Democrats but they got those Republicans beat and from what I’ve heard they totally dig Obama. So many people were wondering after the election how did a hoop playing black man beat some white war hero? It was them aliens man. Did you really think that Sarah Palin lady was human? And who do you think stepped up and made sure Joe the Plumber was bigger than the Beatles on Ed Sullivan? It was those damn aliens. As for Bush, I think they just let him be.
I know that people on the blue and gray sides each have their own tv and radio stations to park their brains. Places that make them feel they aren’t retarded but what about the aliens? Where do they go? Maybe they’re into ESPN, HBO or the Food Network. I’m guessing they aren’t really into the political thing cuz after awhile it does get kinda boring. I bet all they want is an America that doesn’t blow up the whole world before they take it over and that’s why they chose the blue side. Nothing against the gray guys but they sure do seem to be against most everything except low (no) taxes, off shore banks and no sex except with prostitutes. It just seems they don’t know it’s not 1957 anymore and maybe that’s why their team keeps getting smaller and smaller every year. I mean at the rate it’s going they might have to rent some people to play republicans at their next convention.
I know both teams spent a butt load of cash in the last election going after those swinger voters but if they had just asked the aliens what they wanted it would have been way cheaper. Since I’m not a real alien (though I really liked the first The Day The Earth Stood Still) I can’t say for sure if they even care about a capital gains tax cut or health care for everyone. I mean they don’t need cash or worry about getting cancer so who knows? Maybe they love Obama cuz he is one of them. I know most of the gray team thinks he wasn’t born in America and it’s possible they could be right. If he is an alien then maybe he might do something really cool sometime when he’s giving one of those state of the state speeches, when people start falling asleep. Like spin around and turn Joe Biden into a can opener or a lava lamp just to see if everyone is still listening. Now that would be worth slapping a tape in the old VCR.
I’m pretty sure all three America’s want this country to hang around for a few hundred years more no matter who the president is. Ok, maybe a couple of the gray team radio talk show hosts would rather see those end of days come right before the 2012 election but most everyone else would rather live I think. Now some people might wonder if we only had two America’s, the blue team and the aliens, would we be ok? Maybe, Maybe not. I sorta think we need all three as the gray team makes me want to read the paper and watch a lot of stale political shows on cable. They make stuff almost interesting cuz they’re such pig fuckers you always gotta watch your back. Especially on the golf course.
So whatever team you’re on right now, even the one who wasn’t born in America it’s time to suck it up and deal with this depressing recession thing going down. It’s getting so bad that I had to buy off brand corn nuts at the dollar store and let me tell you they taste horrible. When things do start to get better around this country then the blue and gray teams can go back to hating each other so much but for now can’t we all just pretend we don’t hate each other so much? I’m thinking I’ll start off by watching that gray team tv program Fox & Friends tomorrow morning and try not to scream cuss words really, really loud at the dumb as a rock blonde lady and the two doofus dudes who host this freak show. It’s a start and I’ll let you know how it goes. Later.




I'm In Love WIth Ann Coulter

I should say right up front I don’t have a girlfriend or wife so I can’t use that Ashley Madison place where you can cheat legally or at least without a lot of hassle. No, I am one of those single losers who spends a lot of time on the computer looking at women he will never actually see live, in person.
I tried that eHarmony place and it didn’t go real well. Had a few dates but I think I did better just picking up the phone and cold calling women from the book. Another Valentines Day went by a while ago and I’m still alone so I’m pretty pumped to do something different. Like take a risk I wouldn’t normally do cuz I’m a chicken but this time there’s a reason why anyone would be scared to do what I’m about to do. Yep, I’m about to ask out a woman that would scare the piss out of any Navy Seal or suicide bomber from that sandy part of the world. Her name is Ann Coulter and you may have heard of her. I thought email would be the safest way to go about it so before I hit send I thought I would run this by you, the readers of my crappy little blog.
I know. I know. You are probably saying haven’t you ripped her in the past? Called her not nice names? Said she was a dude? Yes I did but for some reason these days I just can’t stop thinking about her in a different way. Like I’ve been dreaming about her every night for the last couple months. I watch FOX NEWS 24/7 hoping to see maybe a few seconds of her flaring nostrils as she trashes everything I believe in. I even threw a tape in the VCR when she did that interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show. When it was over I took a really cold shower and knew there was no doubt I had to have her in my life. How did this happen? Who knows but a man can’t control what a man wants so I’m gonna do this in front of everybody and whatever happens, happens.
My buddy Greg said what the hell chance would I have with such a smoking hot sorta Nazi? Well, I have just as good a shot with her as any other white Christian separatist even if I may have a little color hiding way back in my family tree. Unless she sucks some DNA out of me when I’m not looking there’s no way she would ever know (so don’t rat me out). And don’t bother reminding me how “high maintenance” she’ll be ok? Like you are gonna tell me you would worry about that if you had a sleepover with Jessica Biel? Ummm I don’t think so.
Sure I know if we do start dating she’ll try and change me. Man, it’s part of the deal and the price of doing business. You may see me write a few things here about hating immigrants, nuking non Christians and yeah maybe rounding up some liberals and stoning them at a mall or something. No worries, I do know a little something about getting a chick like her hot and bothered but trust me I would never cross the line and behead someone for being a democrat just to get in her pants. No way. I mean she might want me to make a fake video of it to put on You Tube just to scare some young kids with parents who voted for Obama but that wouldn’t be a big deal. You can do some scary shit in post these days without anyone actually getting killed.
My buddy Greg said I should be careful what I wish for cuz if she even kinda likes me I’m a marked man for life. He thinks she would be my worst nightmare but I told him dreams are what you make of them and I’ve had some pretty cool ones starring her in that desert fox dude’s German uniform so it’s all good. I do kinda worry how you keep an Ann Coulter satisfied in real life cuz you know she’s no bottom and I’m mostly a top too but I guess if we have a safe word no one will get hurt. Outside the bedroom I think she might be pretty tight about the money thing and that could be a deal breaker if I don’t get a better job quick. I know as soon as she gets my email asking her out she’s gonna Google me and know I’m a janitor at an elementary school. Maybe if it was a high school things would be different but I already know I need to go back to voc school and learn a new trade ($$$) that’ll keep a woman like her happy.
I will let everyone know how this one turns out cuz it could have a really hot (Penthouse Forum material) ending or it might just be the stupidest thing I have ever done. I figure even if it gets so ugly I need to change my name, country and fingerprints it’ll still be worth it. This is Ann freaking Coulter we are talking about! Ok, I just hit send and now all I have to do is wait. I’m thinking I should end this thing and go check my inbox. Gotta go. Later.


A-Rod's Closet

I had a friend of a friend of a friend who knew some babe that went out with A Rod when he was playing in Seattle. I should probably say up front this is no lie. It was during the time he said he only took Flintstone chewables. I guess this chick didn’t say anything about any needle marks on his rear end but she sure as hell saw what was in his closet and I’m not talking about the gay thing. No, this friend of a friend of a friend spilled the beans about what she saw and at first none of us believed it. This big baseball star looked sorta like someone who knew what was cool and what was so lame that Al Roker wouldn’t even go there. I guess everyone was wrong about the roids and his taste in clothes. What she saw was a freaking closet full of butt ugly cardigan sweaters! In every color sold. Can you believe it? I couldn’t at first when that friend of a friend of a friend first told me but she swore it was true. It almost made her throw up but I guess she kept it under control until she got home. There are something’s in a date that you might be able to blow off, like sorta bad breath, being a republican or liking liverwurst but no one except Ward Cleaver has a closet full of cardigan sweaters.
I did hear A Rod is no cheapskate though (even pre the 252 million buck contract with that Ranger team and the biggest dumb shit owner in baseball history) I guess he flew her and a few other hotties to road games all the time. Now this was before he got married and dumped his wife for Madonna of course. These days I don’t think he would want to even dream of messing around with that Mrs. Robinson lady cuz she has people that will hurt him.
I know all the fans in Seattle hate this guy cuz he left for elephant bucks in Texas but they should hate him for other reasons too. I know I don’t like him and it’s all about the other stuff. Like I don’t want to be too rough on him (ok, I do) but don’t you hate anyone who tries really, really, really hard to sell themselves as nice when it’s pretty easy to see they’re assholes? Like those coal companies, those hedge fund thingy’s and Iraq? They don’t pass that smelling test. You know when something stinks like Old Spice.
I guess everyone in the world is on his ass at this minute about juicing, it seems it’s now worse than those fake snuff films they sell on the internet. Who saw this coming? Think back when people went ape shit while McGuire, Bonds and Sosa were crushing the ball 5 or 6 years ago. Everyone could see their bodies balloon up to superhero size but no one cared. It was all about someone hitting 100 homers in a season and it would have happened if they had just let those dudes who cooked up the stuff in labs keep trying out new recipes. It’s possible they could have made some player into a cyborg who could hit 300 dingers a year or throw 30 no hitters in a row. Right now man without the secret sauce it’s tough sitting through a 2 to 1 game with bodies that look a lot like mine. Where did all the incredible hulks go?
A guy at the barber shop yesterday told me he thought anyone who ever used this shit should be kicked out of pro sports. I told him who would they get to play on the teams? I know there are a lot of those investment bankers (what the hell did they do?) who are looking for work but they don’t seem like they would be real good at sports. No way some welder at GM, a coffee maker at Starbucks or a Circuit City salesman could step up and fill in on many teams. So I’m thinking something is gonna have to happen here, either the owners help these jocks shoot up in the locker room or they go out of business. Maybe that’s not a bad thing cuz then I would have more time to play Grand Theft Auto IV and not have to sit through the commercials and a lot of boring games.
Something to think about is if dudes like A Rod lose their jobs then I guess that would mean we really are in one of those depressions so even if I do hate his guts I don’t really want to see the world close up shop. If I was a buddy of his I would tell him maybe not so many people would think he’s scum if he gave half of his new billion dollar contract to stop the earth from getting too crispy or helping the people who can’t afford pay cable or even building a giant ark for those people in New Orleans just in case that levee thing the government re built is not too solid (again). It’s a no brainer he needs to do something quick that makes people go “Ahhhhhhhh what a nice guy.”
Now I didn’t say I would ever buy it but if enough did then it’s one of those win-win deals. He gets to keep playing for the Yankees and not be hit with syringes by fans everywhere he goes (it could put an eye out if they were tossed from the top deck of a stadium). In the good old days in Seattle when he would come back to town after he ditched the team everyone would throw fake money at him when he was on deck (no way cash could ever put an eye out) and he seemed to be ok with it but now even I feel a little sorry for him cuz you know there’s some cold ass props being made right now (and spring training hasn’t even started). And just when I start to think maybe we all should just back off and give him another chance I remember what that friend of a friend of a friend said about that closet of cardigan sweaters and I man up. Yep, this is going to be a rough season for A Rod. I hope he’s ready for it. Later.


Michael Phelps

It’s fun to be famous but not fun to be famous and get your picture in the paper holding a bong. I may not be famous but I know that must be a bummer cuz your second grade teacher who called you “a little shit” or your middle school basketball coach who never played you will see it and say “I’m surprised, I always thought I would see him with a needle or crack pipe.” So it’s not all that to be Michael Phelps right now. He may have won 49 gold medals at the Olympics but now when he visits grade schools and kid’s at hospitals he’s gonna have to move real fast and pretend he doesn’t hear the parents telling their little ones to never invite his monkey to jump on their back. It’s a big change man as all of them used to push their offspring in the swimming pools at the Y hoping for at least a couple Silver and maybe a Bronze medal to show everyone in the neighborhood. All because of he just dropped by a party with a bunch of college kids.
I guess it could be worse, he hasn’t been dumped by companies (Visa, Subway, Power Bar, Mazda and too many others to type) who stick millions of bucks in his Speedo’s. Yet. So that’s why I decided to sit down and think about what if something like this happened to me or even you. Have you had a butt load of fun sometime and if a picture was taken it could have gotten you in a lot of trouble? About a thousand times for me like I’m thinking back to my 18th birthday and what a couple buddies of mine from high school did to help me celebrate becoming sort of a man. First of all there is no horny cheerleader or hooker in this story. Sorry. No but this one did get twisted pretty quick after I said I had never tasted a Harvey Wallbanger before. Well before I could say I made a mistake and what I really never had before was a Pina Colada (I had forgotten I gulped down half a can of Harvey and blew chunks everywhere at homecoming the year before). Too late as my “friends” scored about 25 Harvey Wallbangers in a can (one of them cleaned out their parents wet bar) and the party was on. I don’t even know what’s in a Havey Wallbanger except alcohol but I gotta say it tastes even worse coming up than going down. It was about an hour later when most of us started puking all over our Members Only jackets that we bought together the month before at the mall. You start to think and do some strange stuff when you have vomit dripping down your new clothes. The first is you know things can’t get much worse so you take it up another level and that’s when you can get in some serious trouble, a hell lot more serious than getting your picture taken with a cheap ass bong.
I think it was Jeff (who is now a judge or something in Minnesota) who said we should head over to an A & W drive nearby and try and steal every mug they had (they gave you glass not plastic in those days). Our record to that point was 8 in one night. I think after that they wise up when one car keeps ordering so much root beer and their mugs end up AWOL. Since I wasn’t driving I said ok even though I hate root beer. Once we got there we knew we had a chance to pull it off and totally clean them out cuz Marcie Givens was working that night. Now she wasn’t a friend or anything of ours but we knew she wasn’t real smart. So dumb that she actually raised her hand in US History class and asked if that president in a wheel chair (FBI) really did cut down a cherry tree. I knew this was as good a shot as we were gonna get to leave with a car full of root beer mugs so we started ordering two apiece every 3 minutes or so and she kept bringing them to the car (we are talking service). I mean Marcie did start to look at us like we were freaks or something cuz I think the human limit for root beer is supposed to be around 5 large mugs in an hour and we had already had maybe 75 between us. After a while there wasn’t any room in Steve’s Camaro for them but we kept on asking for more cuz I thought we might be able to start tying them on the roof but no one had a rope so we called it a night at 104. How many more mugs did they have? I don’t know for sure but there couldn’t have been many. I’m thinking it must have been tough for the manager to call the company big wigs the next day and ask for 104 new mugs cuz you know it probably looked like an inside job. I never heard if anyone got canned but I know I still do hate A & W root beer.
On the way home someone thought it would be cool to knock on the door of our principal Mr. Hampton and run cuz we only had 20 something days left of high school. Besides running we thought it would be funny to leave something on his porch and no it was not dog doo doo. That one was played out even back then. No, we thought it would better to leave something that would be more permanent so we filled up this huge balloon with white paint and stuck it in a bag that we set on fire with lighter fluid. When his wife answered the door (he wasn’t even home) she did what any person would do if they found something burning on their porch, step on it hard. So how did we know that Mrs. Hampton had an allergy to latex? So the next day at school we hear that the principals wife got this really bad rash and had to go the emergency room cuz of some dickhead’s bad joke. It was a bitch cuz they grilled all of the seniors and I heard my buddy Jeff the judge almost ratted us all out. I guess he must have figured out at the last second that he could kiss any job outside of fast food bye-bye if he spilled the beans. So yeah, we got away with it but even right now I never mess around with paint. Don’t even know what latex is but I don’t want red crap all over my hands.
What I’m trying to say here is I know what would have happened if someone, anyone took pictures of us the night of my 18th birthday. It wouldn’t have been pretty, not that we would have lost millions of dollars but at least a couple of us that night had a chance to be somebody. Me? Well, I’ve already told you before that I had to get one of those GED’s and no, this didn’t have anything to do with it, flunking 4 out of 5 classes my last semester did the job. But if I wasn’t such a tool it would have messed up even me. Since right now it seems just about anything you do could end up on You Tube it is flipping scary out there. Maybe the next time you pull out your camera to snap something you might want to think about what else is in the picture that might fuck up someone’s life? Big Brother kinda got here a long time ago but who wants to be a part of that team? Not me. How about you? Later.


It's On!

I used to think I was kinda street smart. Never expect to see any of those miracles on the Hallmark tv movies. The kind of guy who plans for the worst but sorta thinks ok things could maybe possibly happen if everything fell right (but it won’t). So I watched every second of that presidential inauga something, except ok when I had to pee (tried to get that done during that poem). It was pretty cool to see the tons of people who jammed DC, especially up front in the mosh pit. After it was over I actually thought (I know I sound like a pussy here) it was kind of a neat time to be an American. I figured that even dudes with confederate flags on their trucks would feel the love for at least a couple months. Guess not, boy was I wrong! Right now we’re talking about no honeymoon, not even a quickie with these ditto heads. Man are they a tough crowd or what?
I never dug Bush, most people who read my crap know this but I never, ever, wanted him to take down the United States all by himself. Ok, that’s what happened but I didn’t say my prayers at night begging like a higher power to let him to get us into the biggest freaking mess since cavemen walked around. How can anyone except maybe someone in that Alan Kada Club from the sandy part of the world have their fingers crossed hoping that Obama goes down in flames? That would mean we all would be screwed. That is not a good thing to wish for. If you had all the money and drugs you could ever want stashed away then maybe, just maybe it might make sense to wish for something so wrong that half the country would bum rush your mansion and give it the worst TP ing of all time. So bad it would take 100 of those foreign undocu something’s to clean it up. But that’s what’s going down right now, yep that human beach ball Rush Limbaugh has thrown down the F word. He actually hopes Obama fails. Game on I guess. The lines are drawn. If you listen to AM radio (except for sports) or watch FOX NEWS you just may be on the same team as that Alan Kada Club without knowing it.
Now I realize Limbaugh and those really, really white guys on FOX NEWS would have to grow beards and look like Santa Claus (after a couple bottles of Just For Men extra black) but it would be way tougher for the FOX NEWS blondes to go around in one of those burlap body bags 24/7. I mean all of them look like they would kill anybody who tried to make them go back to their natural hair color (not blonde) any time soon so I just don’t think they could pull it off. Maybe if all of the Obama haters from around the world could do a meeting, like get together halfway in say Canada to hash out their slogans it might work. I don’t know if FOX NEWS would put “Death To America” in their commercials and I doubt that the head cheese of the Alan Kada Club would put that “Fair and Balanced” tag on their web site but stranger things have happened. From watching the news I’m thinking being a terrorist isn’t an easy gig so I hope the training is better than what I’ve seen with those guys hanging on monkey bars in the desert. It just seems so 2001.
As good as it makes Limbaugh, FOX NEWS and that Alan Kada Club feel right now to wish hard that Obama fails they will probably be slapping their foreheads in a couple years screaming “what was I thinking?” There’s even a decent chance they’ll be putting up posters of him in their rec rooms when he makes them all three or four times richer. Yeah, even those terrorist big wigs from the sandy part of the world have bread invested somewhere and when America is really rolling everyone gets at least a small piece of the action. I mean what if all the stooges they talk into blowing themselves up start getting fat 401 K statements that say they could retire right now? I’m thinking they just might forget about all those 50 something virgins and maybe buy a condo in Florida (I hear they’re really cheap right now). It could be all over for the haters and that would be very cool but don’t get your hopes up for sure cuz this thing could go the other way too and that’s why I think anybody with a brain better tell Limbaugh, Hannity and FOX NEWS that if it does we’re blaming them first! Most people remember the asshole in high school who was never any good at anything so he spent most of his time ripping up people that were good at stuff. In my school it was Chuck Kennington and he couldn’t stand it when I always got an A in shop class. He wasn’t real good with his hands so he spent a lot of time telling everyone I was gay and sleeping with the shop teacher Mr. Frampton. I wasn’t but most everyone believed Chuck cuz he said it just about every day of the school year. I guess people sort of thought it must be true cuz he said it so much. The good part of the story is I ran into a guy from my old neighborhood last month who told me Chuck is now living with the football coach from our school and I guess they even adopted a kid from Romania.
So I have no clue if the president is going to be able to save the world from having to eat out of trash cans for the next 30 years but I do know that only an asshole (or a terrorist) would root against him. I gotta go now as I heard that Safeway has a sale on hot dogs. The ones that get bigger not shrink when you cook em. Later.


Goodbye George

Saying so long to someone can be a bitch. It can tear you up and before you know it make you feel like eating the gun. Yeah, it can be a freaking sad but this isn’t one of those times cuz the most hated wannabe cowboy in the world is about to ride his fancy foreign mountain bike into the smog filled sunset of Dallas, Texas deep into an undisclosed gated community where his new digs are at. Some smarty pants history dudes have already said W is the # 1 President of all time screw ups so I guess that means he leaves his job as the champ and will never be forgotten. I’m pretty sure little kids are going to read about him in beat up history books 50 years from now and definitely remember the name Bush. He’ll be someone their grandparents went off about at Thanksgiving dinners most probably even before the heavy drinking began. It’s always weird when you hear Grandma let a motherfucker fly at the dinner table. Totally throws you off for a few minutes so everyone should start getting ready for it cuz it’s gonna go down all across this country but it’s a good thing as it’s better to let it out than keep it bottled up inside. That would be as unhealthy as smoking 3 packs of Camel non filters a day.
I’m not an expert or anything but this George Bush dude has to be the biggest cooler like ever too. Since there were dinosaurs walking around! The kind of guy you don’t want anywhere near you when you need something to go right. Just about everyone knows someone who is just bad news. Everything about them screams “if you hang out with this person you will have the worst day of your life.” Can you name anyone that screwed up more stuff than him? President Jeff Conaway could have gotten at least a few things right. That’s what so flipping strange that he got re elected in 2004. I mean he was in charge when a bunch of guys from that sandy part of the world killed around 3,000 of our people and nobody tried to shit can him. Not even after we all learned he got a bunch of hints in writing from his posse that it was going to happen. Like after it happened he kept on reading that lame book to that class of bored little kids in Florida when they clued him in about it. I guess he really does like little kids, they listen real good and only ask a few questions, like whether he can order peanut butter sandwiches anytime he wants in the White House or if he likes camping at Camp David. On the last one he must have cuz he camped out a hell of a lot there! Almost as often as he did at his fake ranch. I guess all together he spent less time at the White House than Marilyn Monroe. Not that it ever bugged me. I always thought it was way better to have this man as far away from the place where all the cool statues were. I could just see him blowing them up or something so it was best that he just spent the night somewhere else.
You wonder, what does his old man Prez 41 really thinks about Jr? I know it’s tough for a parent to say their kid is such a fuck up he should be put to sleep for the good of the country. I guess even William Gacy and the Son of Sam had relatives or pen pals that loved them. All I know is thank god those guys with wooden teeth made up that rule like 230 some years ago that he could only hang around for 8 years max. This dude could have made himself King for life or something so let’s look at the bright side here. When an even bigger monster hurricane hits, maybe another war that looks like an easy blowout pops up or someone comes up with a spanking new way to torture terrorist looking dudes (hang them upside down in a meat locker for a couple weeks before tossing them into an easy bake oven to thaw out) he just won’t be there anymore to put his special touch on junk.
Do you wonder what he’s gonna do now that he can’t freak out the world anymore? Will he take a part time job or something to fill up his day? I know he’s gonna get a little bored so let’s hope he doesn’t do anything stupid like talking some military guys into putting him back in charge. I guess they do this all time in other countries but it wouldn’t be cool here. When we really don’t like a politician in America we really, really don’t like them and it lasts a long, long time. I’m thinking if he was a vampire or something and could live forever maybe in 3028 he could make a comeback. By then his younger bro Jeb would have had his 8 years and maybe his daughter Jenna would last 4 years tops (she for sure gets popped for a couple DUI’s so the second 4 would be a no go) so it might be doable. Not as president again (though if he died and came back as a vampire I don’t think those floundering fathers wrote any rules for anything but humans) so maybe he would have a shot at like sergeant at arms or even a spot on Dancing With The Stars or something.
Time will tell I guess. Right now it’s just time to say catch you later to Prez 43. I do know though it will never be the same again on Keith Olbermann’s show or on Fastball and that’s as good a reason as any to break out the crack pipe to make it through the night. I really do hate drugs but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get by. I mean we all can hope that some total asshole politician will come forward and make it fun to watch cable news shows again but if not then I guess I gotta go back to checking out Cheaters, Jerry Springer and The View. Man, on that depressing note I will sign off for now. Later.



Hannity & Himself

I know I shouldn’t waste my time even thinking about this asshole but I can’t help it. My mom said I’m a worrier, got it from my dad’s side of the family. I guess he had a lot of trouble even getting out of bed some day’s. He had a shrink and everything but he just couldn’t stop worrying about stuff. My mom said it wasn’t the reason she kicked him out when I was like 10 but I do know he really got on her nerves. Even now when my dad and I hang out he still has a tough time not worrying about stuff that normal people just don’t bother with. Like whether the garbage man will see something cool and fall in some can while reaching for it and get compacted with the real garbage. Or whether the sun might not come up someday or a python snake might escape from the zoo and slink out of the water faucet in the kitchen. Most of the stuff he stewed about had people dying. Not many happy thoughts from my dad.
So that might give you some info on why I am worried right now about that dickhead Sean Hannity going solo on Fox News five nights a week. Six when you count his Hannity’s America on the weekends. That’s a lot of airtime to fill without his little buddy Alan Colmes. The Fox News suits are saying Colmes left cuz he wanted to spend more time with his family but that’s what even the mafia says when they whack someone. It’s one of those lies that covers just about everything. I guess I should be worrying more about him than Hannity. I know this but I just can’t. I think it may be cuz I have low self esteem. It goes way back man, I’ve always looked up to bullies. Nobody could understand why after I would get beat up in grade school by whatever tough guy ruled the playground I would always say thank you. I guess I always thought I deserved it.
When I watch Sean Hannity on Fox News it’s pretty clear he’s flipping off people like me but for some reason I still tune in about every night and yeah, I do feel a little tingle in my toes that travels up to my ears when he first comes on the screen. The love/hate thing is a strange one. It messes your head up big time. I guess I should be happy it’s only happened twice in my life, once with my stepfather and now with this Fox whore. What I’m most worried about right now is whether Sean will be able to hack it without his toy poodle Alan cuz he really came in handy whenever he wanted to raise his leg on someone just to show he could. No one could take being pissed on as good as Alan Colmes. He was the best on tv. Better than that blonde chick Mika something on MSNBC’s Morning Joe or that pussy husband on Jon & Kate Plus 8 on TLC. Boy is that guy ball less or what? Wait a second. Maybe he might be interested in taking Alan’s spot? Now there’s a guy who would never quit a job to spend more time with his family! Not with that witch of a wife hanging around the house. I may have a soft spot for bullies but she’s like evil to the tenth power. I mean I’m not really into dudes. Not my thing but if that Kate lady was the only woman on earth I would give it a shot before she got the chance to put a diaper on me too.
I know Sean hasn’t even had a chance yet to do his Hannity & Himself show so why worry about him? It starts next week. I guess I do because it’s who I am. What if he starts to get really nasty now that he doesn’t have to give up 15 % of the airtime he had to toss Alan’s way? It’s one thing to spew bullshit knowing that someone else would get a couple seconds to present a weak ass version of the other side and then give you a free shot to tee off on them after a telegraphed counter punch, it’s totally another to have to slug the air cuz there’s no one there to sock below the belt. How boring. I know his staff if going to book a bunch of patsies. In boxing they call them stiffs. In football they call them underdog’s or dead meat. In the NBA they call them the Thunder. Like I said boring tv. Who wants to see a total blowout? I know, I know, It’s been said that Alan was the Washington Generals for Sean. You knew who was going to win but at least they pretended it was a real game. Sort of like Pro Wrestling. Now they’re going to hand pick 3 or 4 different Lee Harvey Oswald’s to take the fall every night and it won’t be the same. Without a pretend “house liberal” the show could go off the tracks and get cancelled. God knows that the number of idiots who buy the line of crap from Fox speak and Rush is shrinking faster than a meth addict’s body mass so they better get this right. We need to see people like this out in the open cuz they keep us on our toes. They speak to people that are all around us. Our relatives, our drinking buddies, our golfers. I worry that without the gays, blacks, Mexicans and terrorists to fume about they could go out and do something really bad so what I’m saying here is America does really need dudes like Hannity. He is a video version of methadone that keeps a bunch of pissed off white people from losing it and for that we should be grateful. I really should start worrying about nicer people so tomorrow I’m thinking of fretting about Oprah’s weight again. I’ll let you know how that goes. Later.

2008 GOOD/BAD LIST

BAD

BUSH/CHENEY GOING AWAY – NOW WHO CAN I HATE AND BLAME EVERYTHING ON? IT’S TOUGH FINDING PEOPLE SO BAD THAT YOU FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. WHAT I’M SAYING HERE IS THESE TWO STOOGES FUCKED UP SO BAD THAT OTHER FUCK UPS AROUND THE WORLD ENDED UP NOT BEING THE WORST FUCK UPS SO WE ALL KINDA OWE THEM. RIGHT NOW I REALLY NEED TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE QUICK TO TAKE THEIR PLACE.

TOM CRUISE – IT WAS BAD ENOUGH WAY BACK WHEN HE TRIED TO PLAY THAT VIETNAM VET WITH THE DROOPY MUSTACHE WHO HAD TO GET AROUND IN A WHEELCHAIR. HE WAS SOOOO BAD HE MADE ME PUKE BUT NOW HE THINKS JUST BY PUTTING ON SOME NAZI CLOTHES HE CAN PULL THIS ONE OFF IN HIS NEW MOVIE CALLED V SOMETHING. HE DOESN’T EVEN TRY TO DO SOME LAME GERMAN ACCENT, HE SOUNDS LIKE A DUDE TAKING YOUR ORDER AT AN In N Out. WHEN IS HE GONNA QUIT TRYING TO ACT AND JUST BE TOM CRUISE LIKE IN THAT JERRY SOMETHING OR COCTAIL MOVIE? HE DIDN’T TOTALLY SUCK IN THOSE. HE MIGHT THINK HE’S SOME HIGH FALUTIN LIZARD BUT IN MY BOOK HE’S JUST A PINT SIZE SHOW OFF WITH TINY SKILLS.

MONEY – WHERE DID IT ALL GO? IT SEEMED RICH PEOPLE HAD PLENTY OF IT AND NOW IT’S LIKE GONE. NOT THAT I FEEL SORRY FOR THEM OR ANYTHING BUT IT KINDA MESSES WITH MY HEAD WHEN I SEE PEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE BREAD USING COUPONS LIKE ME AT SAFEWAY. I EVEN HEARD THAT LOADED GUYS ARE TAKING THE BUS THESE DAYS. I GUESS SOME OF THEM ARE SAYING THEY’RE DOING IT CUZ OF SOMETHING ABOUT MAKING A “SMALLER CARBON FOOTPRINT” WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS. ALL I KNOW IS THEY ARE TAKING UP SPACE AND I’M HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING A SEAT! RICH PEOPLE NEED TO MAKE SOME MORE MONEY AND GET OUT OF MY FACE.

MY SEATTLE SONICS – THEY ARE NOW THE OKIE DOKIES AND ARE LIKE 3-29 AT THIS SECOND SOON TO BE EVEN WORSE. DO I FEEL BETTER THAT THEY ARE THE WORST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE NBA? YES, BUT I WON’T SLEEP WELL UNTIL CLAY BENNETT AND HIS POSSE BURN IN HELL TO A CRISP. IF THERE WAS EVER A BUNCH OF PRICKS WHO NEEDED TO LIVE THROUGH A REAL LIFE VERSION OF “IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE” WITH A WAY UGLIER ENDING IT’S THESE ASSHOLES. KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED.

REPUBLICANS – REMEMBER THEM? THEY USED TO BE EVERYWHERE AND NOW IT’S LIKE SOMEONE SPRAYED A BIG CAN OF RAID AND THEY WENT BYE-BYE. I GUESS THERE’S STILL A FEW OF THEM IN LIKE A COUPLE STATES NEAR THAT “DIXIE” AREA BUT THEY ARE WIPED OUT IN LIKE THE REST OF THE USA. IF YOU START TO MISS THEM YOU CAN ALWAYS TUNE INTO LIMBAUGH OR HANNITY. THEY LIVE IN THIS PRETEND WORLD WHERE WHITE MEN STILL RULE AND EVERYONE ELSE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF THEIR WAY. IT’S A NICE PLACE (FOR THEM) BUT I DON’T THINK THEY WILL EVER LEARN THAT IT ONLY EXISTS IN THEIR MINDS. MAYBE THEY WILL WHEN THEY ARE DOING THEIR TALK SHOWS ON HAM RADIO REAL SOON.

VAMPIRES – THESE THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE AND YOU KNOW THEY SUCK WHEN EVERY KID AT MALLS IN THIS COUNTRY IS BUYING SOMETHING ABOUT EM. IT WOULD BE ONE THING IF VAMPIRES WERE MAKING SOME BREAD OFF THIS SCAM BUT NO, IT’S SOME 40 ISH LADY NAMED STEPHANIE SOMETHING WHO SEEMS TO BE MAKING MOST OF THE MONEY AND IT AIN’T RIGHT. DOES ANYONE THINK SHE’S CUTTING IN ANYBODY ON THIS? VAMPIRES MAY BE DEAD AND STUFF BUT THEY GOTTA PAY THE RENT TOO. I SAY THEY SHOULD SUE HER FOR AT LEAST 10 %.

THIS DIGITAL TV THING – LIKE NOW I CAN’T USE MY RABBIT EARS ON MY BEDROOM TV? OK I HAVE CABLE IN MY LIVING ROOM (I SHOULD ADMIT I SPLICED INTO MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS LINE) AND THAT I LIVE IN A ONE ROOM APARTMENT SO I GUESS I COULD STILL SEE THE TV WITH CABLE FROM MY BED BUT IT’S NOT THE SAME AS HAVING A TV RIGHT NEXT TO WHERE I CRASH. EVEN THOUGH WITH THE FREAKING RABBIT EARS I CAN ONLY GET 2 STATIONS IT HELPS ME GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. NOW IN FEBRUARY I WILL HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP TO WHITE NOISE AND I DON’T THINK I’M GONNA LIKE IT. THIS IS BAD.

GOOD

BARACK OBAMA – DID ANYONE EVER THINK WE WOULD HAVE A PRESIDENT WITH SIX PACK ABS? ONLY IN THE MOVIES WOULD THIS HAPPEN. AND HOW ABOUT ONE WHO IS COOLER THAN ANY ROCK STAR OUT THERE? DID I MENTION HE WASN’T WHITE? OK ALL WHITE? HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN? AM I DREAMING? IT’S LIKE SOMEONE IS GONNA SCREAM “PSYCHE!” REAL SOON AND JOHN McCAIN WILL BE BACK TALKING ABOUT JOE THE CARPENTER 24/7 AGAIN. IF THIS REALLY DID HAPPEN THEN I GUESS ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN THIS COUNTRY. EVEN A BLACK DUDE WINNING IN VIRGINIA AND FLORIDA.

TINA FEY – OK, I SHOULD SAY UP FRONT THAT I’VE HAD LIKE MULTIPLE WET DREAMS SHE HAS STARRED IN FOR YEARS. I DIDN’T JUST PICK UP THE LUST THING AFTER SHE PRETENDED TO BE SARAH PALIN BUT IT DID TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL. I MEAN I DO FIND THE REAL SARAH PALIN TO BE KINDA HOT BUT SINCE SHE WOULD PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE ME LOSE THE MOOD REAL QUICK I WOULD HAVE TO ERASE HER FROM MY MENTAL HARD DRIVE. I FOUND THAT HAVING TINA PLAY HER WAS ONE OF THOSE WIN-WIN DEALS. I GOT TO LOOK AT A HOT CHICK WHO WAS ALSO REALLY SMART (EVEN THOUGH THAT USUALLY SCARES ME) SO IT WAS ALL GOOD.

THE CELTICS BEAT KOBE – A REAL TEAM BEAT A SUPERSTAR AND HIS SUPPORTING CAST. IT DOSEN’T GET MUCH BETTER FOR HOOP FANS. HEY IT’S NOT LIKE KOBE DOESN’T ALREADY HAVE A FEW RINGS ANYWAY FOR THOSE WHO DIG THIS EGO MANIAC. IS HE THE BEST PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE? FOR TWO MORE YEARS AND THEN LJ WILL SQUISH HIM LIKE A LADY BUG.

VAMPIRES – YEAH THEY’RE LAME BUT THE CHICKS DIG THEM SO THEY CAN’T BE ALL BAD. OR AT LEAST I GOTTA PRETEND THEY AREN’T ALL THAT BAD. I SHOULD ADMIT WITHOUT VAMPIRES AND ALL THEIR NAKED WOMEN ON THAT TRUE BLOOD SHOW IT I WOULDN’T BE WATCHING HBO NEARLY AS MUCH. DON’T EXACTLY KNOW WHY ALL THESE HOT WOMEN FALL FOR VAMPIRES AND DON’T REALLY CARE AS LONG AS THEY KEEP TAKING THEIR TOPS OFF. I MEAN IT BEATS LOOKING AT BILL MAHER’S FACE ALL THE TIME.

KEITH OLBERMANN – I DIDN’T THINK SOME ESPN DUDE COULD PULL OFF BEING A MSNBC DUDE TOO BUT HE DID. HE IS SO GOOD THAT HE MAY EVEN TRY DOING THE WEATHER! I KNOW EVERY DAY THAT I WATCH HIS SHOW I FEEL A LOT BETTER WHEN HIS WORST PERSON OF THE WORLD THING IS OVER AND I’M NOT ONE OF THEM. HOW BAD WOULD THAT BE? DO YOU THINK BILL O’REILLY CAN EVEN SHOW HIS FACE AT THANKSGIVING OR CHRISTMAS WITH THE FAMILY? HE MUST JUST STAY IN SOME PRIVATE BUNKER AND WAIT OUT THE HOLIDAYS. KEITH IS ONE GUY YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH AND THAT’S WHY I NEVER MISS HIM UNLESS I’M BUSY DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

RECORD COMPANIES NOT SUING ME – SO NOW I CAN STOP WORRYING ABOUT SOME SUIT AT A RECORD COMPANY MAKE TO ME PAY THEM 300 THOUSAND BUCKS JUST CUZ I BORROWED A FEW OF THEIR STUPID SONGS. YEAH MAYBE I LET A COUPLE BUDDIES BORROW A FEW TUNES FROM ME AND OK MAYBE THEY LET THEIR BROTHER OR SISTER BORROW A SONG OR THREE AND THEY LOANED THEIR FRIENDS MAYBE ONE MP3 BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY WENT FROM THERE SO SUE ME. OK, DON’T SUE ME CUZ I DON’T HAVE ANY BREAD ANYWAY.

GAS – IF I OWNED A CAR THEN I WOULD BE PRETTY HAPPY RIGHT NOW. NOT ABOUT THE CAR CUZ IT WOULD PROBABLY BE A PIECE OF CRAP BUT AT LEAST I WOULDN’T HAVE TO SELL MY BLOOD TO BUY A QUARTER TANK OF GAS ANYMORE. FOR A WHILE IT WAS MORE EXPENSIVE THAN WEED (OR AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TOLD) SO NOW THAT PEOPLE WILL HAVE MORE MONEY IN THEIR POCKETS THEY CAN MAYBE BUY FOOD. I GUESS IT’S BAD FOR THOSE PEOPLE IN THAT SANDY PART OF THE WORLD WHO SELL OIL SO IT’S NOT ALL GOOD FOR EVERYONE. IT SEEMS LIKE IT’S ALWAYS THAT WAY WITH THIS “FREE MARKET” THING, SOMEONE WINS AND SOMEONE LOSES BUT IF THE WORLD DOSEN’T EXPLODE AND EVERYONE LOSE THEIR JOBS THEN 2009 HAS GOT TO BE A BETTER YEAR THAN 2008. THAT’S MY CALL AND I’M STICKING TO IT. LATER



He Seemed Like Such A Nice Guy


I’ve been hearing a lot about this Bernie dude who screwed a bunch of people out of like 50 billion and I got to thinking this is one of those times that it’s sure a good thing that I’m basically broke. Don’t know about you but I know if I had given him a few million and he lost it I wouldn’t just be pissed, I’d have to burn his house down. The problem is he probably has about 50 of them around the world and it would take me years to get to all of them. I guess this guy was running what they call a poundzi scam. Maybe it came from some British person I’m not sure but all I know is if it’s done right it works pretty good. I think it goes like this, you take two bucks from say a guy named Jack and then collect 2 bucks from two other guys named Kevin & Larry and then give Jack his two bucks back and toss in a buck extra. He thinks he’s living large and it’s all good except Bernie has to find new guys to collect their two bucks so he can give it (and a buck more) to Kevin & Larry. It’s a killer idea until you run out of people on the back end, that’s where the problem is. So I guess it’s illegal and stuff but when you think about it is it any different than the stock market or black jack? And I don’t think this is one of those republican vs democrat deals either. I heard from that babe Maria Barto something that these Wedge fund (play money) and commodities (stuff) guys have made a butt load of dough and that seems to be way more important than being an elephant or donkey. The only party they believe in is one with strippers, Crown and coke (blow not pop). Always about the strippers. I saw in Readers Digest that all the “gentlemen’s” clubs in NYC are going out of business cuz guys like Bernie have run out of easy marks like Jack, Kevin and Larry. It’s a whole lot different paying 100 bucks for a table dance with your own money. A couple of them and the 20 dollar bottles of Bud Light can really add up. So it’s crappy enough that this asshole has ripped off so many rich people for a shitload of money now he’s taking down all of the nude dancers in this country. Maybe all around the world cuz he took money from people in like Switzerland and Kenya too. When all the men on earth figure out what Bernie has done he’s a dead man. They say he’s looking at maybe 40 to 50 years in the joint and since he’s 70 it’s not looking good for him right now. Once he gets his bunk (he’s definitely a bottom) and cell mate I’m thinking everything will take care of itself if you know what I mean. And even if they do send him to one of those fancy “minimum” security places (cable with all the premium channels) he can’t hide. If anyone thinks Crip’s n Blood’s don’t like invest too there they’re crazy. I know there’s got to be at least a couple Will Smith’s wearing the colors (maybe blue or red bow ties) and livin the life behind the sorta walls of these places and they don’t play. I almost feel sorry for him (almost). I just hope he doesn’t try his thing inside, working his neighbors for cigarettes or Hustler magazines. Even some ex politician or banker doing 10-15 would kick his ass if they got shorted so if any of his relatives are now reading this I would tell Bernie that he should keep a low profile for the first 10 years or so before he even thinks about the “free market.”
The one good thing about this shitty economy right now is I have a lot of company. I’m not jealous of many people these days. It used to be kind of embarassing when I was in the check out line at Safeway and used a coupon for toilet paper but now even the hot chicks are doing it (not for toilet paper but like for mascara or waffles) so it’s not so bad. I’m kinda praying (yeah I do it sometimes when things get really bad) this thing doesn’t get much worse, I mean it’s really getting tough to find anyone who has something you’d want to borrow. I know it’s bad out there when people in my apartment building knock on my door to borrow stuff from me. That’s never happened before and it’s freaking wrong. Oh well, when this re or de pression is finally over I think I’ll be a lot smarter about money. If I get lucky and win the lottery or find a bag stuffed with cash sitting on the floor at a Home Depot or something I will either bury it or stick it under my mattress. I guess I can thank Bernie for the wake up call. Later.



Holiday Blues

Am I the only human that’s not into this time of year? I don’t want to sound like a hater but Columbus Day is a lot less hassle. I think this year is the one where I pull a JD Salamander, that writer who I heard won’t show his mug in public no matter what. I mean he could be dead right now and nobody would know for sure. That’s pretty cool don’t you think? I know it wasn’t Christmas that made him go underground but it sure must come in handy in December. How cool would it be to just like drop out of sight from everyone? Especially the people that really get on your nerves? No more weak Christmas parties. No more relatives bugging you about having to go to weddings and funerals. No more friends coming over to borrow stuff they’re too cheap to buy. No more junk mail cuz no one would have your real name and address. Not even that High School re union company that keeps chasing me. Since I got my GED do I even qualify for a re union? I don’t think so but even if I did I would rather drink bleach than have to sit through one and kinda smile while listening to tunes that best belong buried with rest of my high school memories.
The more I think about it JD was a genius. Not his books and stories that I guess were supposed to be awesome, it’s his balls that you gotta love. The guy has a book that still moves like 250,000 copies a year and he finished it in 1951. He’s kinda like the dudes who wrote that Bible book that still sells a butt load each year too except he did it by himself and he was alive when it got popular. I’m trying to think of anyone else I know who ever dropped out of sight while being good at something? The only other person I can think of is Ken Kossman who was a buddy of my dad’s. He wasn’t a writer or anything, I think he was a pipe fitter. Don’t know what he’s doing today cuz he doesn’t want anyone to know where he’s living. I think I saw Mr. Kossman one day on the bus last month but wasn’t sure cuz this guy had a black n white beard like a skunk so I could be wrong but I’m pretty sure it was him. About 25 years ago he invented a battery powered back scratcher. He sorta did inventions on the side from his regular union job. Most of them like a toe sucking gadget and an electric lunch box bombed big time but he hit pay dirt with the back scratcher. If you think he cashed in on it you got it wrong as that Ron Popeil guy on late night tv stole his idea. I heard Popeil made a couple million on it and never even said thanks. I don’t think he ever got over it. Popeil’s people did send him a case of the back scratchers but Mr. Kossman just gave em to my dad. My parents used to give them away as Christmas presents until they ran out a couple years ago. I don’t know for sure if JD is a pissed off guy too cuz at least he got paid but I bet the both of them would dig hanging out and swapping stories about hiding and stuff. It’s something they know a lot about and I’m thinking it must be tough meeting someone else on the same page. When somebody with a real name and address comes up to them I bet they must think what a little weasel sell out. Like here they’re keeping it not so real and everyone else is totally living in the straight world and being total squares!
I read that JD swore he would never ever again write anything else that people other than him could see. That’s kind of selfish but how much fun would it be to drive around the country in a Saturn and have to hit like 30 or 40 Borders Book stores? I betcha Mr. Kossman would rather be a nobody too than have to be a whore on late night tv peddling crap. Since even if you live a secret life you still gotta pay the bills so there’s nothing stopping either of them from putting out something under another fake name. There’s a chance that one of those Bourne or Twilight books was really written by JD, or maybe that battery powered nose cleaner as seen on tv wasn’t Popeils, it’s possible that Mr. Kossman was behind it. You never know. I wish I could come up with a cool fake name and drop out. The thing is I haven’t done anything important yet and that’s the only cool way to do it. I mean a ton of losers who can’t pay their bills or child support go on the run but it’s just not the same. It ain’t easy to pull off the right way but if it was everyone in your neighborhood would be doing it. How lame would it be if say my retired sixth grade teacher Mrs. Lincoln switched rest homes in the middle of the night and changed her name to like Britney or Mindy? That would be sick so if this catches on maybe those “end of days” are here and it might just be a good thing. I think another really important angle to this hiding thing is people have to care enough to actually look for you. Since no one ever calls me or comes over much except my family (and I’m in the phone book!) it’s probably not worth it. Maybe someday.
Anyway, I’m just hoping that this holiday crap goes fast as possible and it’s over without blood being spilled again in my family. If I’m watching Ryan Seacrest rock in the new year from a jail cell with 20 smelly dudes in orange jump suits around me then I guess it’s the same as it ever was. Look in the Police blotter section of the paper for the next couple weeks. If I end up doing more than 30 days I’m hoping some of you out there wouldn’t mind being my pen pal. It helps kill the time. Just send it under my real name. Thanks and Take it easy. Later



I Wanna Bailout Too!

I really, really, really need one of those “bailouts” now. Don’t know exactly what they are but this seems to be the time to ask for one. Since I’m no expert on that economics thing I don’t know for sure but it seems like until right about now you could never get one of these deals. Maybe they were always there but only for those that knew some secret handshake from only dudes who went to that special college called Yale (?). I guess all the mini wanna be movers and shakers go there cuz they can and I saw on some tv show that you have to graduate from there to have juice in America. Pretty much every white politician who’s ever got to sniff the White House has graduated from that joint. I guess Obama got his BS from some place called Columbus and got his lawyer license from that Harvard school. I think he was like the school newspaper editor.
A lot of times since I saw that show about powerful people I really regret getting kicked out of regular school in the 11th grade. It really wasn’t my fault. If I hadn’t said I would help TP the vice principal’s girl friend’s house I probably would have almost graduated. I knew it was a bad call when he caught us and came out yelling stuff I never thought a vice principal would say. His girl friend was even more pissed and screamed a bunch of cuss words that sorta ran together with others cuss words to make up some bad words I had never heard before. Some neighbor called 911 and when the cop came I knew I wasn’t going to see my senior year at that school. You see TP ing a house is no big deal but when your Morman vice principal with 9 kids gets caught in his secret underwear with the school nurse that’s not his Morman wife by a cop who used to belong to his church (before I guess he dumped his wife for some mail order bride from Canada and the vice principal dude had him ex commu something out of the whole damn religion) then someone’s gotta feel the pain. All three of us who were in on it went down hard. I do feel kinda good that I was the only one of us to later make it through Bates Voc School and get my GED too. I heard one of them, Wayne is now a school crossing guard which is sorta funny and the other, Gino is a drummer in a Kansas tribute band. Don’t know if he has a day job too.
Anyway, back to why I need one of those bailouts. I’m broke. Like tapped out. Even the secret savings of quarters, dimes & nickels I keep in my sock drawer is history. The problem is I don’t know exactly how you’re supposed to like apply for one of these things. Does everyone who wants one have to go to DC and get grilled by congress dudes? That would totally be a downer. Who needs another asshole giving me shit about needing some fast cash? I mean I’m not gonna beg like those car guys. I don’t care if they offer me 15 billion I’m not gonna be anyone’s bitch. The thing that I have going for me is they give people that actually make stuff a lot harder time (and since I haven’t made anything that is useable in years I’m looking pretty good). When those dickhead “investment bankers” (what do they do exactly?) had their hand out they got one of those super mondo bailouts. It was so big they still don’t know how much they got. Since I read they were given the money so they could lend it to people who had none and decided it was better to just keep it I’m thinking they’re not real nice people. I know if I got any money I would spend it right away and help out our economy cuz I’m a good American (and one who needs a ton of stuff right now too).
I know a lot of people are saying when do these bailouts end? Does any company or doofus who lost their ass get one? I say no and after I get mine I think they should really think about that “Just Say No” thing that was popular a while back. I mean they can’t give dough away to anybody that comes asking for it can they? I’m thinking after I get my bailout I might become one of those republicans. They seem to know a whole lot about hanging on to their money and stopping others from getting theirs. I may just need to suck it up and hang out with one or two of them at first to learn the ropes. I’m also thinking of asking for a lot cuz they always give you less. Maybe 10,000 would be a good start and if they give me 500 bucks it’s all good. I know the first thing I’m buying with my bailout is a new set of numb chucks. Some kid on the bus stole my last pair when I wasn’t looking. I may not know how to use them but they look really bitchin and people always stare at me with respect when I have them with me. The other thing I’m doing right away is paying off my library fines. I owe a ton of money and I want to check out magazines again so that’s near the top of my wish list. I also should give a little to like a charity so I’m setting aside a twenty for Jerry’s Kids on Labor Day. So whenever my bailout comes in the mail I will let you know. I’m sorry that you probably won’t get one but at least you’ll hear about all the cool stuff I got with mine right here. Later.



The Obama Recession?

I was at the barber shop yesterday and this old guy who’s really into that Rush Limbaugh dude was there. He walks around with these really big head phones hooks up to one of those walkmans listening to him every day. I don’t get it but he fought in like the Korean war or something so all of us at the barber shop are nice to him. I don’t remember who started talking about Obama but once he heard his name he sorta went off about him screwing up this country. He said something about the “Obama Recession” which I sure as hell didn’t get. I guess that hillbilly heroin addict is telling his radio peeps the reason no one has any dough right now is cuz of Obama. That he caused that stock market place to go up in smoke. I don’t know exactly what a “401J” is either but I guess Obama’s the reason people don’t have much of that left too. It just didn’t make much sense to me. I mean he just got elected and I don’t think he’s actually the head cheese until like March or something so how can he be a fuck up so soon? The old guy says Rush said all the rich important people think Obama’s going to rape their cash so they’ve started stashing it in some tiny Island called Klaymand where they don’t like to write stuff down and keep records. He thinks they’ll park it there until either something bad happens to our new president or he gets impeached for being black.
I don’t know much about the “economy” cuz I flunked every math class I ever had to sit through but I’m not alone cuz I don’t think many other people can figure it out either. I mean Bush is leaving office with like a 700 gazillion bounced check. He had 8 years to learn how to balance the countries bank account but he couldn’t do it. I heard on that Fastball tv show it had something to do with his tax cuts for the fat cats and I read that they’re about the only ones in this country who don’t hate his guts right now.
Getting back to the old guy at the barbershop, he said the first thing our new prez is going to do is put his face on a 35 dollar bill and maybe even put LeBron James’s face on a 60 dollar bill. I asked him where he’d heard that and he said some guy who was filling in for Rush last week. I guess Rush was on vacation to that Klaymore Island. The old guy also said he heard the Obama’s are gonna re paint the White House purple cuz they want Prince (the music guy not some royal dude) to feel comfortable there when he sleeps over. I sorta like purple but not as much as Orange but I think whoever lives there should get to choose what color to paint it. That sounds fair don’t cha think?
After I left the barber shop I got to thinking and it seemed to me that life is tough enough without being blamed for stuff you had nothing to do with. I mean it’s kind of scary cuz say a lady I’m dating starts to blame me for sleeping with some other lady before I actually do, how fair is that? If I’m going to go down on that rap then I want the good stuff that goes along with the deal before all hell breaks out. I mean I’ve been shot at, slugged in the face with a baseball bat and stabbed a couple times, hell I’ve even got my ass kicked by a guy too but the thing is every time I deserved it. I did the crime and I got what was coming to me. That’s how life is supposed to be. Now that Obama can see that about 46% of this country is going to tag him with anything and everything he should just flip them off, tell them to take all their flag lapel thingy’s and move to Alaska or something. I know, I know he’s always saying we need to change the way politicians act, like when Bush’s people in 2000 went to a Kinko’s in South Carolina and printed up a bunch of flyers saying “don’t vote for McCain cuz he had a black baby with some hooker.” It may be wrong but it worked in that state so you have to be ready to fight back! I’m thinking of sending him a note with a bunch of snappy comebacks he could use on national tv at one of his press conferences cuz he’s just too damn nice and nice people get beat up by not so nice people. He could drop one of them on that dweeb Carl Cameron from FOX NEWS. When he asks some smart ass question Obama should say Carl, before I like answer your freaking stupid question I just want to ask you is it true that Sean Hannity wears an adult diaper on his show? That would totally throw him off and mess up the haters cuz they’re so used to getting in the first punch. I remember my dad always told me a quick kick in the nuts before they know what’s happening is a winner every time. If Obama reads what I’m gonna send him and doesn’t feel it would be cool for a president to talk smack then he should just give the lines to his wife cuz she doesn’t play. That is one woman who I would never, ever mess with. I’m just waiting until she’s had enough of Limbaugh’s posse and she starts to throw down on them. It won’t be some wimpy line about a “right wing conspiracy” (what the hell does that mean?) no when the time is right she’ll go mixed martial arts on their butts and it won’t be pretty. Mrs. Obama seems like someone who’ll not just stand by her man but also jump in front and crush anyone who even thinks they can punk him. I sure would like to have someone like her watching my back. I wonder if you have to marry someone before they’re willing to step up liker her? Man, it might even be worth it someday.
Anyway, today when I saw that old guy from the barber shop I asked him if he knew Limbaugh is behind Safeway not carrying low fat chunky peanut butter anymore (he loves the stuff), those sneaky pirates jacking boats in the ocean near some sandy African country and Mad TV being cancelled. He said he had no idea and got really pissed off. He took off his headphones for the first time I’ve ever seen and said he was through with him. I know I should feel kinda bad telling an old dude some big fat lies but we gotta do what we gotta do to fight back. I finally figured out if you throw out enough lies something will stick. It’s worked for Limbaugh so count me in cuz it’s the American way these days. Kinda sad huh? Later.



The Twilight Movie

Don’t laugh ok? I know how much shit I’m going to take after telling everyone what I did. I mean this one is worse than when I bought a Bon Jovi CD about ten years ago. I might as well just say it, I went to that vampire movie Twilight! Now I do have sort of an excuse if anyone will give me a chance to tell my side of it. I’m pretty sure most of you have already stopped reading this by now so what the hell do I have to lose by coming clean? I know I’m gonna feel better afterwards cuz it was killing me pretending it didn’t happen. Ok it went down like this, there’s this lady who lives on my floor at the apartment building who has a daughter about 14. The mom’s a dancer at a club in town and is really busy so she asked me for a favor. You guessed it, her kid April really, really, really wanted to see this Twilight movie and she needed me to take her and a couple of her friends. It was her birthday I think. Anyway, mom gave me a hundred dollar bill (she had a regular customer drop by the night before) and told me to buy them tickets and all the junk they (and me too) could cram down our mouths. So off we went on the bus, straight to hell (the mall) and got in line to buy tickets for the thing. Who knew it was so popular? There must have been like three million teenage girls in line whining about maybe not getting in for the next showing. I felt kinda bad hoping it was gonna be sold out so I could put them into some kid flick and I could find something with a little skin in it. Hey, it wouldn’t have been that tough cuz this place had like 42 screens but no such luck, some little punk who worked there gets on a loudspeaker and says they had about 5 seats left for the 1:30 in the morning showing so April made me buy them. Yeah we had to kill about 3 hours so I watched them play video games and a little truth or dare until they finally let us into the theater. Do you feel my pain yet?
So the movie starts and right way something doesn’t seem right. This ain’t my kinda vampire movie cuz just about everyone looks like they could be in one of those Fruit of the Loom underwear ads on the billboards. We are talking people that are scary good looking and that’s what creeped me out. I don’t know about you but when I was a kid vampires in the movies gave me the willies but these teenage girls sure didn’t seem freaked. I mean they looked like they were seeing the Beatles for the first time as they grabbed each other. When the star vampire Eddy shows up at school (with a bucket of gel in his way too perfect hair) and meets the star chick Bella it started to remind me of one of those After School Specials without actors who look like models. It was pretty clear she liked him right away cuz he was way better looking than all the other boys in her class. It really wasn’t fair for those guys, it was like the Yankees playing some single A team. Speaking of baseball, what was up with these bloodsuckers playing my most favorite sport? I guess the lady who wrote the book thought she’d throw that in for the tom boy girls but it was so wrong. I mean do you find many ghost stories with them playing hockey or football? The answer is no. But since this Stephanie lady who wrote it has sold a butt load of books what do I know?
It was about half way through the movie when I thought everybody in the theater would start booing as there was like no fangs ripping into necks. We’re talking no chomping. Nothing! I’ve seen more blood at Dollar Store after Christmas sales. What they showed instead was a whole lot of Bella looking at Eddy and Eddy Looking at Bella. I guess they really started to like each other but for some reason they were mostly into staring which if I was their parents I guess wouldn’t be so bad but I wasn’t so it was really boring. Then I remembered I still had to take April and her friends back home after the thing so staring was probably best for me too. I mean what was I gonna say if one of them asked me a question their Mom’s should be answering? Like about love n stuff. Now that would be panic city. So at the end there was a little tiny bit of gore but it was too little and way, way, way too late. We got out of the theater around 4:00 am and there was like 3 other people on the bus ride home. When I tried to give April’s mom the 6 bucks in change I still had left she told me to keep it. I told her I’d drop by her club in the next couple days (I’ve never seen her naked) and bring as many one’s I could scrounge up. She seemed to be ok with that. Maybe I’ll ask her to go with me to see a movie sometime but it sure as hell won’t be some piece of crap like this Twlight movie! Like is it too hard to make a scary movie that looks even sorta real? You know what I mean? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about a damn vampire snuff film or anything but something that stays with you. A flick that makes it hard to get to sleep afterwards. If anyone out there knows of one let me know. Thanks. Gotta go. Later.



Mail Call


Since I’ve been getting a butt load of those e-mail thingy’s about this junk I write I figured I’d answer a few here to save me some time. To the guy who wrote “you have to be the dumbest dumbshit ever to log on to a computer” I say I don’t really have to log on since I use the ones at the library and they stay on 24/7. To the lady who said I shouldn’t make fun of vampires I say why not? I mean they’re about to get their face on cups at either Mickey D’s or Burger King and that’s about when things jump the whale don’t cha think? To the college kid from UPS who told me to stop giving crap to Sean Hannity I say kiss my ass. I mean this chubby dude spends his whole day on the radio and tv making fun of everybody who isn’t now or wasn’t at like one time a white frat boy and I can’t give it back to him? There’s three things that republican dudes do, join frats, play golf and stay away from those who don’t do either.
I got a sorta nice e-mail from this lady from Texas who said she liked my story about finding that iPod at the Jack N Box parking lot on 6th Ave. She didn’t like the fact that I kept it but sorta understood why I didn’t turn it in cuz we both really like lime green stuff. She said last year she found a lime green cigarette lighter and kept it too. That’s why she thinks she broke both legs falling down the stairs at home. She wrote this long story about that “karma” thing and how something terrible is going to happen to me if I don’t find the owner of (my) the iPod. I told her I would think about it cuz I really do need one with a lot more of those giggy something’s.
Some dude from I don’t know where sent me this poem that kinda made me sad. I won’t tell you the whole thing but part of it said “Spike is a jerk”. It didn’t rhyme much so I don’t know if you could really call it a poem but he did so I’ll give him a pass. Another guy sent me one of those death threats saying if I didn’t stop saying bad things about Rush Limbaugh he would take care of me. Like I’m scared? He doesn’t know the neighborhood I live in. It’s way outside the green zone and people like him don’t last long. I hope he comes to my apartment for a visit cuz he won’t make it past the three gangs that use the doorway to the building as a clubhouse. That’s the thing about these e-mails, people say stuff to feel real tough but anybody who uses them to scare people usually look like Dwight on that Office tv show.
I got something from a girl in NYC that made me think. She read my “blog” about the Jonas Brothers and thought I was too hard on her favorite band in the world. I guess calling them no talent dweebs pissed her off and I can dig why. I mean when I was her age I was totally into Grand Funk Railroad. Who am I to say whose worthy? Ummmm Ok, maybe I’m not that smart and have really bad taste but even I know when a band blows so I guess this is one of those deals where it was ok to make a teenage girl cry cuz it was for her own good. I know for a fact that time will take care of everything. I told her to get back to me when she got to college and she could unload on all the lame bands an old man like me digs. That’s the cool thing about getting older. It gets better. You start off liking icky stuff like Barney and move on to Disney crap but you finish up around the time you hit college having just about the best taste you will have in your lifetime. Though I went to voc school instead I knew that time was my peak and most everything after those years would be downhill. I think the rule is about 28 or 29 when people start getting stale and we rot at about 37 (give or take a year or two) and only listen to “oldies”. Why? I don’t know for sure. There’s a ton of crap I don’t have the answers for like if there’s a God how did Dancing With The Stars happen? It just does so I hope she has a nice life.
The last e-mail I should give props to is some dude from I think that sandy part of the world where the wars are. He said all the expected junk like death to America and stuff but he also asked if I knew anyone who is tight with Obama cuz he really wants to move here. Not to my apartment building but to the USA and I told him I’d try and pass it on to someone in DC. Maybe it will get to Obama and he’ll say it’s ok for this guy to come live here cuz I know the new Prez is into making people that don’t like each other get along. I had some others too but don’t have time to send a shout out to them all. Maybe next week. Right now I gotta head down to the Laundromat fast cuz I left a load of my underwear in the dryer and don’t need any chicks to see my Scooby-Doo boxers. Later.



Is Tom Cruise Really Gay?

Now that the election is over I’ve had a ton of time lately to sit around and think. I’ve figured out some stuff that’s been bugging me for a long time, like is Tom Cruise really gay? Thinking deep thoughts is boring sometimes but not this week cuz the whole world wants to know. If he’s gay. It’s like everywhere. I even saw it on a wall at a Shell station near Phoenix. Now if you’re reading this and saying who cares if he’s gay? I say I hear you but for some reason I guess he totally does. I mean he’s sued a bunch of people who’ve even let their mind think it. I guess he’s real sensitive about it so I sent him an e mail and told him to chill out, that’s it’s not that big a deal but I haven’t heard back from him yet. I’m hoping he at least he sends me a pair of Ray Bans. You know he got comped for life after he was one of those human product placements in that Risky something movie.
Anyway, I know if I was gay I sure wouldn’t care if anyone knew. I mean just about every guy in my apartment building is gay and if they thought I was too maybe I’d get invited to all the slammin parties they have. I think it’s my NASCAR hoody that says straight asshole so from now on it’s probably a good idea to only wear it to bed at night. Something I still haven’t figure out yet about gay guys is why do their parties have better food, better booze and better music? (except for Judy Garland cuz I don’t get her) How come they have like really, really, really good taste in stuff? When you think about it maybe that’s why so many people don’t dig them. Nobody likes people who are better at most everything than they are. Anyway, back to Tom and him being all pissed off about what people are saying behind his back. Since I was in a library using their computer I thought I would check out that google thingy to see what it had to say about his problem. I found out it’s tough to be a big time movie star if everyone thinks you like guys more than girls. I guess it bugs the chicks who pay 9 bucks a ticket more than the guys who shell out that kind of dough.
So I find this story from a paper called “Variety” where some movie studio head says the biggest thing to being a star is people thinking you’re fu__able (since like I said I’m using a computer at the library right now and they’ve started cracking down on people typing the F word so I gotta work around it until the head librarian goes home). Does everything always come down to sex? I guess so. Anyway, it got me to thinking about real life. I mean do women care about that away from the movies too? I hope not but it might explain a bunch of stuff. It’s also why I think my man Tom is so freaked out. No more 20 million dollar paydays means he might have to get a real job and he knows how tough it is for any guy 5’3 to find work outside of playing an elf at Christmas.
So what I told him in my e-mail was to laugh it off when people bring up the gay thing. I mean instead of trying to scare people that he’ll sue them for everything they own now and even after they die and turn into alien monsters he should just say it loud and say it proud that he could be and or might be or maybe not be a homosexual. The way I see it this guy’s not exactly hot right now (like how many people are begging to see Mission Impossible 6?) so why not try and get as many butts as possible into the theater? I know for a fact gay people buy popcorn and nacho’s too so I flat out said he really shouldn’t try to piss off a bunch of (gay) people when he needs just about everyone to still like him. Did I tell him that I sorta don’t even like the movies he makes? That most of em are pure crap? No, I kinda wussed out on that so I know you’re probably thinking what’s my angle here? It’s simple, I just wanna see Tom Cruise be happy and there’s no way it’s gonna happen until he set’s this gay thing straight.
Don’t know if you know it but there’s this big hassle right now in the state he lives in, California. It’s something called Prop 8 and it said gay people can’t get married. I mean if I had to guess he probably voted yes cuz he’s scared someone would think he’s gay if he voted no. If it ever comes up again though he needs to hire some plane to fly a huge VOTE NO banner cuz he sure doesn’t need a bunch of torked off gay people yelling and carrying signs in front of theaters showing his movies. And that’s why I’m trying to talk some sense into him. Tom Cruise, if you are reading this grow a pair and man up. Don’t be afraid of what people think. Being gay isn’t so bad. I mean it works for a lot of people. I know you keep marrying hot chicks from the movie biz but you could save a lot of bread if you just said hey, maybe I should take a break from the ladies and just chill for a while. You could join a men’s chorus or check out a Barbie convention just to put a toe in the water. It’d be one of those no harm no foul things. Whatever team you did choose to play on I know almost everyone will still like you. Ok, except maybe not the NASCAR dudes but what the fuck! (she just left the building) So just be yourself and everything will work out I promise. And if for some reason millions of people start hating your guts and you get run out of the movie biz cuz of what I’m telling you here then all I can say is my bad. I hope to hear from you soon and two pairs of sunglasses would be better than one. I’m always losing them and a spare would come in handy. That’s about it as far as what I told him and I’ll let you know what he says when he gets back to me. Later.


Vampire City

I’m thinking vampires right now are the new black. Since I can’t be the only one in the world who has written that sentence I should probably say thanks if I stole anyone’s words. If not then someone is gonna owe me a thanks now when they say it. Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, vampires. They’ve always been around if you looked for them but now they’re every-freaking-where man. When I pick up a magazine while I’m waiting in line at the 7-11 off 6th & Alder I’m always seeing something about them. When I turn on the tv or go to the library it seems like these vampires are like totally in my face and it’s starting to get on my nerves. I mean why not werewolves or zombies? They should get some love too. What about wolfmen or those flesh eating hamsters? Does anyone see these killing machines getting their 15 minutes? I don’t think so and it ain’t fair. I’m a big believer in everyone getting their shot at being somebody and it seems like someone out there made the decision to push vampires to the head of the line. Why? I’m thinking it had to be payola, a butt load of it. The fix is in. Could it be someone in that “military industrial multi-plex?” Or maybe it’s a shape shifter who knows the publicity would be the kiss of death. Or a Mummy who’s just burned out and wants a break from the 9 to 5. I don’t know for sure but it’s pretty clear whoever’s in charge thinks we are stupid enough to buy anything with anything about vampires.
I can’t be the only living person who thinks it’s flipping creepy (not the regular kind of creepy, more like sex offender creepy) to see all these teenage girls carrying those icky Twilight vampire books as big as dictionary’s around with them. Whoever thought up the idea of cute vampires in love should be locked in a tanning bed for like 6 hours. What a gimme. It’s about as easy of a sell as free Taco’s at the biker bar on Tuesdays or Thursdays. Now about a zillion girls are gonna grow up looking for stuff that no guy their age can deliver. This is where I could jump in with how lame my love life is but I really can’t pin that on vampires. The women I date grew up with junk like Nancy Drew and the Scarlet Letter so they had really, really low end stuff they dreamed about thank god. So who or what can I blame my luck on? Don’t know for sure so maybe I should get back to vampires. Like if I had a daughter there’s no way I would let her read that Twilight crap and if I ever caught her with one of those books I’d take her to the plasma center and make her donate a pint or so. She’d probably freak out and never want to even think about blood again and I’d feel pretty good that someone in my family finally gave something back to the community. It’s what they call a win-win.
My upstairs neighbor Jimmy made me watch this show on cable called True Blood last week and I gotta admit vampires do have a whole lot more fun than me. So yeah, maybe if you were some shrink you might be saying right now I’m just “displacing” my jealousy at vampires by being a hater. Ok, it’s possible. I mean who wants to see dead things having way hotter sex than anything you’ve ever had? Even in a wet dream? It’s not right. Has anyone reading this ever heard of a zombie or a mummy getting some? How about a wolfman? No, all these guys just focus on what they’re supposed to do and that’s make you pee your pants. Does a zombie make me feel like I’m a loser in the sack? No and that’s why I’m ok with them. Vampires are like the homecoming king or quarterback of the high school football team. All the women dig them and they know it. It must be the huge fangs I guess but I think I speak for all the dudes in voc school when I say what good are they when the car or plumbing needs fixing? Normal guys like me may be boring to chicks but we come in handy when stuff breaks.
That’s about all I got right now. I know if things keep going like they are vampires will rule the world and I’m just gonna have to get used to it. It’ll be up to someone else down the road to make a stand and say enough is enough. What was once something that made you scream is now like Coke Zero or Frango’s. If someone ever does step up and do the right thing by making vampires scary again then maybe the world isn’t as messed up as I think it is. I want to be wrong. I really do. Until then I’m gonna try and keep as far away from them as possible. If I really, really, really need to be scared shitless I’ll tune into FOX NEWS for a peek at the re modeled face of that Greta Van something. That usually does the trick. Later.



Blue TKO's Red

I still cannot totally believe it. Don’t know much about foreign places and stuff but this must be like what it was in that Southern African country when they elected someone not white for the first time. Pretty freaking wild man. Now maybe some Asian chick will get to be Miss America or we’ll see a red head on BET. It’s time I guess. Even though I really, really, really wanted Obama to win I do sorta feel sorry for McCain right now. His speech was pretty cool and he even told the red necks who booed when he said Obama’s name to shut the fuck up so you gotta give him props. I mean he could’ve flipped off the country or just ignored the vote and said he and Joe the plumber would be back at it tomorrow talking about socialism and that hippie Ayers dude. You know if he had decided to keep plugging away he could still be on FOX NEWS 24/7. I’m pretty sure about 40% of America would follow him but he didn’t. He did the right thing so I’m sorta liking him right now. The dude has kinda paid his dues and now the only thing he has to look forward to is moving into some assisted living place. Good thing he lives in Arizona, there’s gotta be a good one near his old crib.
Everyone is now trying to figure out how this actually happened. I knew the republicans were going to serve up a ton of shit in the election and people would eat it all up and ask for seconds but I guess we weren’t as hungry this time. Especially for what that butt ugly Hank Williams Jr. asshole was dishing up. Why was he always was mugging the camera wherever that Sarah Palin lady went? Forget taxes, socialism and a black dude running, I think the thing that won it was seeing how lame the republican “celebrities” were. When you’re talking about the old man of Angelina Jolie, that Frasier guy and Victoria Jackson from the bad years of Saturday Night Live, well it’s so weak that you wanna maybe give them at least a couple of the has beens from this seasons Celebrity Rehab to beef up the line up. If they thought Tito the builder was cool with his Ray Bans then I’m thinking Gary Busey would have really made a difference. I bet they’d at least have won a couple more states with him stumbling around the stage at rallies. Everybody has someone like him in their family and he’d make them feel better about it.
There are some things that are bugging me now that we have a president that can read and write. The first is what are we gonna complain about? I sorta have gotten used to screaming at the tv whenever Bush’s face came on, now I guess I’ll have to slap in a tape of one of his whatcha call it, state of the union talks in the old VCR to blow off some steam? If Obama turns out to be a dickhead too I just don’t think it will be as much fun to go off on him when he comes on the tube. I think it’s cuz he’s just way too smart to really diss. Maybe if I was a little smarter I could pull it off. That’s why I’m sorta gonna miss Bush. It was so cool to be able to think I was smarter than the president of the United States, now those days are gone and it’ll take some time getting used to it. I mean if McCain had won I would have gotten up each day and at least felt really, really, really smart whenever I saw that Palin lady. It’s one of those things as an American you gotta decide on. Do you want to do what’s best for you or your country? Since I made the call that country has to come first I had to go with Obama.
I don’t know about you but when I saw people around the world dancing in the streets about our election it made me almost cry. I said almost. I’m no pussy ok. Just before I did something lame like that I made myself think of something really gross to take my mind off it. I’ve used that trick a bunch of times on sleep overs and it’s worked most of the time. Sure a few ladies have asked me why am I look so disgusted and it usually takes me a few minutes to tell them it has nothing to do with them but at the end of the day (I know I’ve said that worn out saying makes me puke but it seemed to work here so I went with it. I’m really sorry) they seemed to be ok with it cuz I usually deliver the goods. I just hope that I don’t almost cry every time Obama comes on the tv. That would be a problem cuz I would run out of gross things to think about after awhile.
There is one last thing that I’m a little worried about and his name is Keith Olberman. What is he going to do now? With no Bush and Cheney to kick around in a few months I’m thinking he could get real bummed out and eat the gun. I know that O’Reilly and Hannity are still around and I hope they get him through this but you never know. Since he’s such a big part of my life I’ll just feel a lot better when I know he’s going to be ok. If anyone reading this knows him give him a big hug from me ok? I gotta go now cuz I should probably take my Obama 08 bumper sticker off my skateboard and look for a 2012 one to slap on. Later.


Political Ads Suck


The time has finally come and in a couple days those freaking tv ads about who to vote for will be over. Where have the car commercials gone? What about the Geico cavemen or even all the limp dick ads? For a hell of a long time all I’ve been hearing when I get up to pee is one asshole after another telling me how great they are and why I should vote for them. Right now I’m not liking many of these dildos who are betting just cuz they bury me with their face on my tv I’m going to think they’re really cool. No sale. Not happening. I may only have a GED but I’m not that stupid! Thank god I live in one of those not “battlefield” states cuz I don’t have to see my man Obama’s mug 24/7. I guess people in Florida, Ohio and ummmm Guam have to be getting sick of him by now. They might even have started to like mummy man McCain cuz he’s so broke the only ads he’s got are on public access. I really, really, really want this election to be over. I never even knew most of these local politicians who are now in my face were alive and now I wish they weren’t. As far as the national stuff goes I’m so confused about so many things after hearing so much bullshit. Like now I don’t know what to do when I grow up. About a year ago I almost went back to vocational school to try to be a plumber. Yeah ok now I know I would have gotten screwed on my taxes after Obama wins but so what? I know sometimes you have to take it up the butt if you love your country so I guess I would’ve had to deal with it. There are things though you could do to not get screwed when I got close to making 250,000 bucks. The first is I could just start having people pay me under the table when I fixed their toilet or sink. The Joe dude who said he would be pissed if he had to pay more taxes was a real dumb shit. Like anyone who makes that kind of dough doesn’t know how to hide it? Has he ever heard of one of those shelter thingy’s? Rich people use them all the time to not have to pay taxes. That’s one more neat thing about being loaded. I heard some republican guy on cable tv say he was afraid now that there would be a war between the rich and kinda poor (like me). He thought it was not nice for people without money to think bad stuff about people with money. Something about being a hater of the “American Dream.” I don’t hate people with bread or that dream, they’re fun to hang out with especially if they’re buying the beer so I still don’t understand what he was talking about. Sure there are some times when I’m a little jealous seeing a dude at a strip club buy 4 or 5 table dances in a row. No one I know has that kind of dough but who am I to rip him? I mean I have two choices, I can give the rich dude who’s getting all the table dances a dirty look or I can say it’s all good (and it is since he’s usually sitting right by me and I get free entertainment up close and personal) and be nice to him.
In the last couple weeks I’ve been hearing a ton about this spreading the wealth around. That Joe the sorta plumber dude got kinda pissed off when he heard Obama say that but you’d think he would’ve liked it. What’s wrong with that guy in the strip club buying me a table dance once every 5 or 6 times he gets one? It’s not that he can’t afford it! I think if I was a rich guy I would definitely buy a few not so rich guys a table dance. Why? Cuz it’s the right thing to do. One of those win-win deals that makes the USA such a great country. I know the blondes and ex frat boys on FOX NEWS say Obama’s a socialist (I had to use a dictionary to spell that word) but nobody who watches any other channel buys it. I know a real socialist, she’s like 87 years old and lives in my apartment. Her name is Helen and the only way I knew she was something other than a democrat or republican was because she was always giving her money away. Like at the first of the month when her social security check comes she gives a few bucks to most of the homeless guys who crash outside our building. It’s not that she’s loaded or anything, I just think she doesn’t like to have a bunch of money hanging around in her checking account. I don’t think I’ll ever be one of those socialists cuz when I have some spare cash I like to spend it. I guess I’m one of those democrat’s but maybe one day if I do come into a ton of money I’ll be a republican. I could learn to buy low and sell high. It might even be fun but I’m pretty sure I won’t be one of them for a long, long time.
One last thing about this election that’s bugging me and yeah, it’s coming from FOX NEWS (big surprise huh?). They’re saying the election shouldn’t count cuz fake people voted. Since rigging an election twice didn’t bother them when Bush won it sorta stinks. All they’re doing is what I used to do in little league. When we were about to play an awesome team and I knew we were going to get our ass kicked I told everyone that they cheated (a good one was saying they had like 19 year olds pretending they were our age) and if they didn’t they would get their ass kicked. Well the truth was most of the time we got killed it was by teams with players own own age, there was no cheating, saying it just made losing a little less of a drag. What the FOX NEWS creeps want you to think is Obama’s is not as popular as the voting numbers show. Instead of saying he’s not the right age they’re just making other shit up in hopes of faking you out. Let’s be real here. Do you think they want you to know that it’s so not cool to be a republican right now? The truth is they are trying to push Hummers and the New Kids On The Block and it’s a tough sell don’t you think? So you can keep watching them for a laugh like I do but remember it’s a cartoon. It’s not real. In my life if I run off a cliff chasing something I would fall and die. Later.



Why Do I Pee So Much?

I don’t know if this is a problem for anyone reading this but I’m getting sorta tired of spending most of my life in the bathroom. Since I’m not a doctor or even watch ER and Scrubs anymore I don’t have a clue as to why I pee all the time. I’m no teenager but I’m not ready for the rest home either so I’m asking anyone out there if they have to pee so much too? I figure it’s a lot cheaper way to go than to have to pay some doctor for a cure cuz I haven’t had that insurance thing for health since 2002 when I was an assistant night manager at Jack N The Box (I never got it when I worked at Mickey D’s). I only had the gig for 5 months but I sure used it man. I must have seen the doc 50 times about junk I thought I had when I did use to watch ER and Scrubs. Now all I can do is just wonder without getting any answers. It’s creepy not knowing. At night I’m starting to feel like a vampire or something cuz I never get much sleep and I crash during the day. Do you feel me? Who would have thought peeing would be such a big deal? I did it all my life and never had any hassles with it and now it’s making me go crazy. I mean has anyone ever started a really hot dream when damn, you have to wake up and jog to the bathroom before you get to the really good part? It’s a total bitch and it can make you really grumpy. And I gotta ask, has anyone ever been able to re start a really hot dream after waking up? You know and still get to the good part? I never have. All I can do is start up another one that’s always totally lame compared to the hot one. When I get up to pee again all I can think of is how pissed off I am that I got cheated out of what I was dreaming about before I had to get up and pee one more time. I’m glad I’m not the president or someone important cuz at those times I could see myself blowing up the world or something. That’s why I thought this thing here would be a good place to bring the problem up and see if anyone had any ideas how I could go back to not having to pee so much.
If you think about it a normal person maybe pees 6 or 7 times a day if you don’t stay up all night or drink a couple cases of beer. If you added it up it might take up about 2 & ½ minutes of actual peeing. That doesn’t count the time you spend washing your hands (which I think is so stupid and a waste cuz all you did was touch your self) or looking in the mirror and wondering if you really do look that crappy or if it’s just a bad day. It’s really not that much of a time killer unless you drain yourself 14 to 15 times a day and that’s when you figure out that life is too short for this. If I’m at a bar or someplace that sticks up the newspaper above the urinal it’s a little better cuz I’m able to do that “multi tasking” thing (if I’m using that word right) and it’s not as boring but most of my peeing is at home and I don’t get the paper so it’s more single tasking (and a lot less fun). I’ve asked a couple of buddies if they had this thing too and all of them said no. One of them even started laughing at me saying maybe I needed to take some viagra or something. Now I don’t know much about that except what I see on tv 24/7 but if it did the job I’d head to Costco right now to buy a pallet full of it. Sure it would be a little embarrassing walking around with wood for up to 36 hours but if it’d keep me out of the can then bring it on. Does that give you an idea of how badly I want to not pee as much?
I’m sure a lot of you out there are probably saying right now “shut the hell up you little baby” and I hear you but have you ever peed so much in one night that you wondered if you flooded the sewer system? One morning I seriously called the city to see if they could trace pee and nail me. If you wanna know the answer is uh-uh but I still think the other people in my apartment kinda know about how many times I’m flushing. I can just see it in their faces so one way or another I’m gonna get this thing fixed. If you know any ideas how to take care of it let me know ASAP. I’m willing to try just about anything except maybe exercise. I saw that movie “The Exorcist” on cable and I’m still freaked out. Any other way but that and I’m up for it. So you know how to get ahold of me and I’ll be waiting. Later.


ANGRY (WHITE) REPUBLICANS


One of my favorite things to do is get really, really, really pissed off. It’s a blast cuz a person gets to say and do stuff that they would never do if they weren’t really, really, really pissed off. I guess there’s some kinda rule that let’s you get a pass if you can make people think you’ve got a good reason for being such an asshole. I’m guessing right now republicans have a butt load of anger building up inside and those poll thingy’s (bad for that team, good for anyone not them) are causing them to let it loose. I read some story that it’s mostly very white republicans (which I think all of them are except for the couple of rented black people that play conservatives on those cable news shows) who are now wigging out. Man it’s probably a whole lot more fun though to be them than a democrat these days. Not that winning is a drag or anything but it’s tough to blow your stack and say really ugly things when you are about to beat someone. It’s not impossible but harder. I guess it has something to do with what my dad called being a “good sport” and I gotta say sometimes that takes all the fun out of winning.
I can’t tell you how awesome it is now to flip on the tv and watch the crowds that show up where ever mummy man or his trophy VP pick speak. The people there are way more scary than any movie that Shama something dude has ever made. Ummm maybe I should have used some other movie guy’s name cuz nothing that dick has made is even sorta scary but you feel me. Republicans these days are about to keel over and croak just cuz Obama is going to be our next president. Wow. That was fun to type (still with only one finger) and it will be even more fun to see who’s the first person he takes on one on one the first day he moves into the White House. I know he has to have some secret service person put up a hoop over the garage and I don’t know how big the drive way is but I’m betting it’s huge. He probably won’t take on Biden though cuz he had like a tumor or something so I’m thinking it’ll be someone with game like George Clooney or Denzel Washington.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, those wack job republicans. I don’t understand a lot of the crap they are yelling out at these rallies. When I’m pissed off at someone I don’t call them a “terrorist” or an “Arab” and I sure don’t say “off with his head” or “kill him.” Ok maybe once I did say “kill him” when I was in little league and Phil Henkle struck me out 5 times in one game. He wasn’t a black guy or a terrorist but he did look either Asian or Mexican. I never said it to his face but did kinda yell it out the window at him when my dad was driving me home after the game. It made me feel better for a second or two before my dad told me if anyone heard it they probably thought I was a little punk. The truth is I probably was a little shit cuz it wasn’t Phil’s fault he was better than me. That’s the way it must be for Obama now. He sees all the republicans screaming about killing him and what can he do? It’s not like he can all of sudden be lame or stupid. He’s too good and that’s just a fact. Maybe if he wasn’t so smart they wouldn’t hate him as much. Compared to McCain he’s like the Yankees or the Patriots and I mean who doesn’t like to boo those guys? The big difference is nobody wants to chop the head off of Derek Jeter or Tom Brady. Anybody with a brain who isn’t into yelling this crap at Obama has got to be worried some red neck glued to Fox News might go off and do something to make themselves famous. It’s not like this stuff hasn’t happened before. I know a little bit of history though I did flunk it in the 10 & 11th grades. Really cool people who can change the world get shot cuz that’s the only way people with juice can stop them. When gas bags like Hannity and Limbaugh spend every day telling their peeps that Obama is evil just about anything could go down before Nov 4th. I even saw this preacher from Iowa on that Fastball show say he wants everyone to pray real hard to make sure McCain wins. He said we gotta pray harder than all the Hindu’s, Muslims and Methodists cuz if Obama wins they’ll think their god is better than our god. I had never thought of that before and now I’m praying for the second time in my life (the first time it actually worked when this girl I took to the senior prom did make me a very happy guy) that Obama win’s big. Who can really say if our god could kick the ass of their god? All I’m sure of is it would be a real close fight and probably be a split decision.
You know I just registered to vote with these really nice people from this group called Acorn so I’m totally stoked to pull some levers and punch some chads. It’s time. It seems like these guys have been running forever and it’s a good thing it’ll be over soon cuz I need to get back to watching all my favorite shows again (whatever happened to Friday Night Lights?) instead of staring at people yelling at each other about who would make a better president. I already know who to vote for and nothing better happen to him or I’m going to be way, way, way more angry than any of these flipping republicans are right now. Later





Where's My Parachute?

I don’t even know what one of those CEO dudes do but I sure as hell want to be one someday. Hopefully real soon. Man I read in this Time magazine I sorta borrowed from my downstairs neighbor (he must be rich or something too cuz he gets so many damn magazines) and it was all about how much bread these guys make (CEO’s). The really cool thing about these jobs is getting fired! Man they make millions whenever they can get themselves canned. So yeah, they might have to go in front of some congressman and have their balls cut off live on CNN but that’s after they pocketed millions so who gives a shit? It’s so not like that for me as most of the time it happens I get nothing and even get turned down for unemployment! The only upside really is I don’t have to go to my shitty job anymore. Now that’s still cool but I have to come up with money somehow so I take another shitty job and it starts all over again. If I got a few million each time they kicked me to the curb it sure would make things a lot easier. So my plan right now is to figure out how to get one of these CEO gigs. I mean I can handle the firing angle. I got a butt load of experience with that. So now I guess I get a haircut, buy a tie and maybe learn some big words quick before I get one on those interviews you have to go through to decide whether they give you a job or not. I hate those things. Now that I’m not exactly a kid anymore it sucks to have to sit there and have some still a kid ask me questions about my “goals”. I mean that is something that I sure as hell don’t want to tell some punk way younger than me. How smart would it be to tell the guy I’m only interested in a CEO jobs cuz he knows the first thing I’d do if I got it would be to fire his ass for making me eat shit in his flipping interview? What I’m saying here is you gotta be kinda crafty and only tell dudes like him stuff that won’t give your plan away. I would say if you can get your big toe in the door and get hired for whatever crap job they toss your way you just hang low for the first couple weeks before making your move. I learned the ugly little secret about becoming a CEO is you have to take out everyone in front of you to get there. Maybe not kill them but make sure they’re not in your way. A lot of guys I know just don’t have the guts to do what needs to be done. I guess before I read that Time magazine story I wasn’t tough enough either but you know, I didn’t really know how much bread these guys make for fucking up. That’s when I knew that job is for me cuz I can mess things up as well as anyone, anywhere can. I’m sort of world class with that so I about to choose which company I want to be the head cheese of. There’s McDonalds cuz I have a buddy who is the night supervisor at one near my apartment. I’m pretty sure he’d hire me even though I’ve quit a ton of times at a bunch of Mickey D’s around town. It’s tough to find people that are willing to be perky to drunks and pimps at 3 in the morning so I keep getting hired. I could try and turn around that Subway company. I heard that since their fat dude mascot who got skinny is now getting kinda porky again the company’s taking a dive. Being a CEO there would be kinda cool cuz they have those chocolate cookies I really dig and I could scarf up all the salami I could cram in my pockets. Besides getting paid so much I’d also never have to go to Safeway again. Not like working at those more yellow than golden arches where the only thing I could keep down was the apple turnovers. I know for a fact they have none of that “employee theft” stuff that places who serve human food do. Or I could pick a place where they sell video games like that Nintendo comapany. That would be pretty cool cuz the owner there lives in Japan and it’s way more fun to work at a place where the boss is never around. Like the guy he has running the Seattle Mariners, the team he owns. The more the doofus screws up the team the longer he gets to keep his job which I bet really pisses him off cuz you know he just wants to get it over with and get paid. When this loser finally does get fired he’s going to make so many millions in thank you for leaving money that he could probably buy his own team. So you see that’s the thing with being a CEO, the minute you take the job you start planning how to get the axe so you can do what you really want to do, nothing. I am an expert on doing nothing and it’s way more fun than doing something so that’s why the first thing I’m going to do tomorrow morning is borrow the paper of my neighbor and start checking out the help wanted ads. Like I said it may take me some time to get to the top and yeah I’ll have to take out a bunch of people but in the end it’ll be worth it cuz I’ll be getting one of those “parachutes” everyone talks about. They are really neat if you can get one so wish me luck in looking for work. I’ll keep you posted. Later.


Palin Won?

The next time I sit down and watch another boring debate I will have the rules in front of my face. It’s really hard to keep score when you don’t know how many points someone gets when they bust the other person with a snappy saying about how to handle the bad guys in that sandy part of the world. Or how to make sure we never have to buy anymore of their oil. Or how awesome the free market is. Man, they keep using that “free market” word and I still don’t know what it means. I can dig how much people would like anything free and you’d think it was the democrats who were really into it but no, it’s those darn republicans who cream over it! I had heard that the not so smart one, Sarah Palin, would get her ass kicked by that Biden dude. Well since I didn’t know how many points they got when they said something smart I had to wait until after the darn thing to hear who actually won. The guys and blondes on FOX NEWS said she totally destroyed him and I guess they should know cuz I didn’t have a clue. Sure she said some things that sounded like she was dosed up on E and one time more like shrooms, she still didn’t slobber or roll around on the floor like a spaz. I guess it’s possible she won. I know for a fact that Biden looked like a guy who really didn’t want to drop a killer rhyme on her but knew he had to. If he didn’t everyone would call him a pussy so he sorta did try to knock her out but in these deals who knows if he got the job done? That Carl Rover dude (Bush’s spleen) came on afterwards and said she spoke directly to the American people and that she won them over. I thought it was only Americans watching so who else would she have been speaking to? I didn’t know FOX NEWS was on in Africa and Canada. Anyway, the point is all the people on that channel really, really, really love this lady. No matter how much everyone else makes fun of her they love her more. I guess that’s why FOX NEWS is so special. They put up some poll where 86% of the people watching on their channel thought she buried him. I know I should have changed the channel to see what the other people and news dudes thought but since my remote was broke I just didn’t feel like getting up.
The guys at my barber shop are sorta getting into this Palin lady too. They all have watched those videos of her on something called utube. Maybe you have seen them too. They really talk about the one with her in that beauty contest when she was younger and just starting to try to be popular. She didn’t wear a bikini or thong. I mean it was just some lame old fashion kind but she still looked kinda hot. Frank, the guy who owns the place said he’s watched the one where some minister tries to make sure she’s free of any witchcraft about 10 times. I’ve seen some people get saved before but never anyone have that kind of mojo get tossed out. She looks like such a nice lady, I’m thinking he went there just in case there might be a couple demons hiding in her but knowing probably she was clean. I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry in his business. The next time I’m at the library I’m getting on one of their computers and check out that utube to see all the stuff they have on her. I guess she’s more popular than porn which says a lot. I really can’t think of anything more popular than porn when I think of computers so she is really all that. I know in the past I have dissed her and since she’s so popular maybe I’ve been wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time. The deal is she could someday be the president of this country and being at least sorta smart isn’t a bad idea. I know there have been other doofuses that have lucked out and been president but most of them have didn’t have to go to like 4 or 5 colleges just to get one of those BA’s. I think that’s a piece of paper that says you are not just street smart but also legit smart. People need to know that you have at least one if you want to be the head cheese of America and even though it took her a while to get one I guess she is what they call “qualified.” I heard on that Fastball show that most people vote for the person running for president not vice president. That Chris dude who seems like he is on a meth bender said when voters go into the booth to punch or pull something they go with their gut not their head. Don’t know for sure what he’s talking about but I’m guessing it might be good for Obama even though he’s a black guy cuz my gut tells me this country can’t handle another 4 years of dumb people running stuff. Maybe both she and McCain do have one of those BA’s but I’m real sure they just don’t get how pissed off everyone that doesn’t watch FOX NEWS is about what Bush has done to our country. No matter how much of a fuck up Obama might be there is no chance he could mess up things worse. Even if he tried. So I guess what I’m saying is I know who I’m voting for and I don’t need to watch anymore of those boring debates. Now I just gotta find some cash to re sign up for Showtime cuz Californication is back on. Later.




McCain's Got 13 Cars?

Man, how cool would it be to have like 13 cars? And if either of the two guys running for president did own that many it would have to be Obama right? Nope. It’s the old dude on that straight speaking bus (and I gotta say if I bought that many cars I sure as hell wouldn’t be taking a bus anywhere, he must have that John Madden disease). Anyway, I didn’t really like McCain much, well, I kinda liked him way back around 2000 when Bush was saying he had a bunch of black babies. Some think that’s why he lost to the guy and so I did feel kind of sorry for him. Now I might have to re think why I don’t dig him much these days. Anyone who has that many sets of wheels must be all that. That’s got to be more cars than either Jay-Z or Donald Trump have in their garages. Speaking of garages, it’s not like he has to have one that fits 13 in it. No, did I already say he owns like 8 or 9 cribs? And we are not talking three bedroom ramblers either. We gotta give him props for tapping a chick that’s both hot and rich but her old man owned like every bottle of Bud in Arizona when he met her so that must have been a no brainer. Don’t really know how tough it was for him to close the deal with her but I’m guessing it wasn’t easy for a mummy looking dude. Whatever, he got the job done and if he loses on November 4th he can still down as much free beer as he wants so I don’t feel sorry for him anymore. Sometimes I think why I can’t meet some super hot babe with a daddy who owns a video game company or a Slim Jim factory? I mean the only women I meet are out of work and have 4 or 5 kids. It’s not fair. Hey, where was I? Oh yeah, this McCain guy owns 13 cars! I heard from this guy at the barber shop that a couple of them are T-Birds, one Falcon, three Nova’s, two Impala’s, two GTO’s, two Pontiac station wagons and one Thing. Not too shabby huh? How does he figure out which car to drive? I guess he has "people" to decide that junk. I’m thinking all he has to do is hop in whatever car he wants to take a spin in and every tank is filled to the brim. That’s another thing that having "people" does for you. They also help with like brushing your teeth and clipping your toenails but that’s not as neat. I mean I can do both of those things myself but I’m not 72 years old either. I wonder how voters in this country are going to feel when they find out about McCain’s car lot? Will everyone think he may look like he’s already dead but anyone with that many cars has got to be president? Maybe. It’s so many vehicles that Pimp My Ride could do a whole season with him. Now there’s also a chance that some people who have to tool around in a Kia or Suzuki maybe be haters. I doubt it though cuz this is America and we like to feel like fuck ups when we see everyone has nice stuff but us. It’s the American dream that I learned about in high school. I remembering reading that people don’t have to have that dream come true but they just need to have it there to dream about. It keeps them off the heroin.
I was wondering how Obama feels about knowing how many cars McCain has? I know there’s Viagra to help if it bugs him too much but man it must be real embarrassing cuz he owns like one and it’s not exactly a muscle car. I read it’s one of those Hy Breads, it runs on gas and yeast. Let’s be real, it’s something a pussy would drive. After pissing off all those people who live in the sticks by saying they like hugging their guns and bibles I don’t think this is going to fly well with them. If it was a Ford F-10 or a Chevy Silverado it would be all good. When that Carl Rover (Bush’s brain?) gets wind of this he’s gonna make Obama look gayer than Tom Cruise. The only thing that can save him is he needs to go out and buy some big ass monster truck with tires bigger than Wilt Chamberlain right now, like today! And yeah, he might have to be in a bunch of those “photo ops” which I think means having his picture taken in his new rig. I’m telling anyone who is listening this will put him in the White House. I guarantee it. I’m thinking he must have a couple “people” too so hopefully one of them will log on to the internet and will find this advice. It would be pretty special if I had a small part in making Obama the next head cheese of this country but if they blow me off well I can always say at least I gave them my two cents. How will you feel on Nov 5th if you just sit there and watch Fox News all day long with a gun in your mouth knowing you didn’t do squat to help the guy who should really be president? Seeing that Palin lady with her fake glasses and bun on top looking like she just hit the mega millions lottery? Well, if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you then you aren’t alive. Later.


President McCain

I’ve been sick for the last week and it’s been really boring. I couldn’t go anywhere cuz I needed to be near a bathroom so I watched a lot of tv. Since most of the good shows were still re runs I ended up sitting through about 94 hours straight of Fox News and I learned a butt load of things. First of all, it’s over. The election thing. McCain is our next president. They said all the inside info is in and he’s money. Bet the house. If I hadn’t got sick and had the runs all week I never would have known Obama is toast. I probably would have stayed up on Nov 4th waiting to see how it was going to turn out. Now it’ll be like watching a late re play of a football game on ESPN at 3:00 in the morning. It’s just not the same knowing who’s won already.
I guess the reason that Obama is going to get crushed is he voted to give pre school kids sex toys and condoms. The Fox News blondes said this really pissed those “swing voters” off. You’d think swingers would cut him some slack but no way. They also got mad at him for saying nasty things about that Palin lady. Like when Obama said she looked like a goat with a too much mascara they went bat shit. I’m thinking now farm animals are something you don’t want to joke about and I know I’ve learned a lesson here. The tax thing is something that I don’t know jack about but I learned on Fox News that Obama wants to raise them on everyone who is breathing in the USA. They said he’ll even go after the poor people who maybe don’t have jobs but they all have at least a couple kids to spare so I heard Obama might raffle them off to raise some dough for the government. Boy this guy is a lot meaner than I ever knew. If I was still watching CNN and MSNBC I never would have known this junk. From seeing him at his convention he sounded like a guy would not that shabby as a president. I sorta liked what he said he would do if he got in. I know he’s a celebrity and is really, really, really popular in other countries like Poland but I thought he was what we needed after 8 years of Bush. Now my head is really messed up and I don’t know who to vote for. Do I go with a winner (even though he looks like a mummy) who will bomb any country that tries to kick sand in our face or do I vote for someone who is a wimp (but looks kind of cool) and is going to lose? I heard that Carl Rover from Bush’s posse say most of the 50 states are going to vote for McCain, even like Washington where I live (the state, not the place where the White House is) and we haven’t voted for a republican since I was using Clearasil in junior high.
That super hot blonde in the morning on Fox News said if McCain does win he and his lady will never let the democrats give out any more coupons for abortions at malls around the country. I wish I had known about give aways like this 10 years ago when I had to fork out 200 bucks to Becky, my old high school girlfriend. We hooked up at our 10 year re union and finished what we kinda started after the homecoming football game in our junior year. She also said that if Obama should luck out and win it some how most people will have to have tattoos on the bottom of their feet. It will make it easier for his people to know who is and who isn’t a commie. For a change the not commies will be the ones that get spied on 24/7. Since I’m not real sure what a commie is I guess I’ll need to go to the library and use their computer to google it. I hope I’m not one cuz who wants someone on your tail all the time.
Now that I’m feeling pretty good and can leave my apartment I probably won’t be watching Fox News as much and it’s going to be tough cuz I’m addicted to those darn blondes. There’s got to be some 12 step program out there to help me, I mean they have them for everything these days. So when I’m clean and can watch other cable news channels with mostly ugly people I’ll be a better person. Wish me luck. Later.




The Republican Convention

I just saw that republican convention everyone was talking about. I know it happened like last week but I had my own stuff to do when it was on so my upstairs neighbor Greg recorded it and I borrowed it from him. It took up about 11 VHS tapes cuz he did it on that C-Span channel. Boy most of it was about the most boring tv I have ever watched. Even more than golf. The only thing that kept me awake until the end was knowing they were going to drop a butt load of balloons on the people. I’m a sucker for balloons. So what did I learn after watching this thing? Well, first of all I had no idea there were that many white people willing to join anything. Usually in like the PTA, YMCA, NCAA, AARP, NAACP, WNBA, NOW, PETA, FBI, CIA, CSI, G7 and AAA the people who belong come in all colors. You can usually find all sorts of non white people in just about any group or club but not this one. I read that there were only 37 black delegates (I think that’s what they’re called) out of the thousands there and the only thing I could think of is how the hell did these 37 people ever slip into the place without the big wigs seeing them? I know they spread out cuz the only way I knew there were that many non white people in the building is I read about it in US magazine. If US says it’s so it is but it sure was tough to see even 37 of them on the tv screen. It must have been kinda like when the Germans took over all the countries around them way back in the time that Hitler dude was around. The Jewish people knew it was a good idea to go low profile so they spread out and just pretended to not be Jewish. I’m thinking if all the black people sat together at that republican convention someone would have turned on a water hose or something on them. Since it was on tv though there was not much they could do about it except sit next to them and pretend they didn’t have the heeby jeebies. I’ve heard at most of the republican conventions they usually rent a couple of not white dudes off the streets and put them in the front row for the tv cameras. I’m wondering since they decided to have it in Minnesota maybe there was only 37 people hanging out there so it was the best they could do on short notice. I know they must have got paid pretty good cuz they’re real big on that supply and demand thing. I mean every time one of the speakers said something about letting the free market decide the people in the crowd started crying. I swear a couple of the dudes looked like they were in a private booth or something they looked so happy. I don’t get it but I don’t get the Jonas Brothers either so what the heck.
I was pretty pumped up to see the President and his buddy Cheney on the first night but I guess some rain storm was coming so they stayed home. The second night Bush did show up on tape or something but it just wasn’t the same and I never got the chance to see number 2 as I read he went hunting. The third night they had all the guys who got their ass kicked in the primaries come out and make fun of Obama. I guess that’s the booby prize for losing so bad. That creepy looking ex mayor guy from NYC really got snarky and the people loved his act. A lot of stuff about Obama being a “community organizer” when he got out of college whatever the hell that means. I’m thinking it was a job where he had to work with a lot of not white people cuz everyone really laughed whenever those two words were said. I always thought helping hungry and poor people was a job that even God would give a thumbs up to but maybe not cuz I read these republicans are closer to him than even angels so they should know. After the NYC dude finished his opening act the headliner of the night came out, that hot dish from Canada. She came on stage and seemed like someone you would see singing in a small room in Vegas, but she never did take off her glasses, let down her hair and started belting out Taylor Dayne covers. No, she made fun of Obama too and they really, really, really loved her. Can’t say what she would do if she and McCain actually won but she did go over well. I mean the next day all I heard about on tv and the radio was this lady. How neat she was. How funny she was with the jokes they wrote for her. How much she loved her kids, her kids kids and her husband. Not much about those darn terrorists from that sandy part of the world and what to do about them. Not much about people losing their jobs and homes. Not much about people not being able to see a doctor except in one of those emergency rooms (which ain’t a lot of fun). But I guess she can figure that stuff out after she moves to DC. The last night (balloon night!) they rolled out McCain and he said some things he would do if he got elected. Most of it sounded sorta like what Obama had said but not as believable. Since I’m not a republican I had a hard time believing McCain was going to bring change. Don’t know exactly what change actually means but since this guy got hugged by Bush it’s going to be tough for him to pull it off. This brings me to the best part of the convention and even though republicans are kinda stale they didn’t screw up the balloon drop. It was awesome and I hit rewind a ton of times.
So after sitting through it all I can say there is a difference between the two parties. Not real sure about the positions of each of them but the republicans look way more serious about winning this thing. The democrats seem more like party people and I’m not talking about a political party. I guess that’s why I’m one of them but if they want to win they are going to have to be way more meaner. It’s like they want to play touch football while the other team is playing angry with full contact chop blocks and brutal head shots. How many more times do they have to get crushed before they wise up? I’m thinking probably one more. Later.

McCain's Side Kick

Have you ever had a buddy bring a new friend around and the first thing that hits you is a big fat why? Not that the new friend is a total loser or anything but you just can’t figure it out. What’s he see in this person? Why not just about anyone else but this clown? That’s what I was thinking when I saw the lady McCain picked to ride shotgun with him. Though I really dug her Fargo accent and the sexy librarian look it still seemed like an episode of Punk’d. And maybe it is. It’s still possible some republican dude in a blue suit and red tie will come on FOX NEWS any time now and say it was all a big joke and that the real choice is just about anybody but this lady.
If it doesn’t happen and she stays one chunk of choking meat away from being the head cheese of the world then I’m thinking seriously of being born again. Just to be safe. It never hurts to be prepared for the worse. I mean I’m not a church guy but the religious angle is the only way to make sense of it all. I always thought the anti-christ thing was a scam but now it’s at least possible she could be the one. Think about it. She comes out of nowhere and if things fall her way she’s more popular than both the Beatles and Jesus combined. The down side if she is the anti-christ though is all us democrats are going to burn in hell for like forever and that doesn’t sound like much fun so I’m hoping instead she’s just a another right wing ding bat. There’s a decent chance of that too cuz she’s against stuff like evolution, that global warming thing, gun control and sex education in schools. I’m thinking her 17 year old daughter maybe sorta pregnant right now but if she had to hear that sex junk in class she might be having triplets or something. So if you’re keeping score at home this lady is for shooting polar bears and wolves from helicopters, home schools, drilling for oil anywhere-anyplace, AK 47’s, and low taxes on rich people so it’s not tough to see why this could be anti-christ is so flipping popular with the conservatives. Now I’m not totally sure what a real conservative is but I’m thinking she has to be one of them. Why else would Limbaugh get a woody without pills just talking about her on his show? And Hannity had to take a bathroom break in the middle of his show last night when they put her picture up on the screen. I even heard that Mikey Medved radio guy had a wet dream the night after she got picked so you know she’s got them where she wants them.
If it turns out that she’s not the anti-christ and is just a hot babe who lucked into this gig then I’ll be really pissed off cuz she’s not that smokin! Why not a total mega babe then? If they’re going to milk this then go all the freaking way and pick Angelina Jolie or even an oldie but goodie, Barbie Benton. They have about as much experience as this lady does. I know the republicans have their script where they say she has more of it then Obama but if you look close you can see they usually have their fingers crossed or something when they say it. They know that if McCain does win then a really cute Barney Fife will be sitting there with more than one bullet to fire if anything happens to him. The last I heard we had a butt load of those nuclear missiles so everyone best think about this before it’s too late. What good will it be for republicans if they win and the world blows up cuz of some screw up from their Alaskan Annie Oakley? They might have their tax cuts, no abortions and guns for everyone but what good will it be for them? Being either dead or embarrassed the rest of the earth is laughing at us 24/7 ain’t good so what I’m suggesting to republicans here is if she isn’t the anti-christ then please think about a do over. Sure people will give McCain a lot of crap at first but later they’ll let up and pat him on the back for doing the right thing. I mean a long time ago he was a pretty cool guy with his straight talk mini van, maybe he has a little coolness still left in him to fix this thing. Stranger things have happened and it’s his move now. We’ll see what happens. Later.



Hillary's Voters

So I’m sitting at the barber shop and waiting for my monthly hair cut. I’m kinda reading a magazine story about these polls where people tell strangers who they might vote for and I see that a butt load of Hillary Clinton’s peeps still won’t give it up. It said about 27% of her voters from those primary thingy’s would puke if they had to vote for Obama. Democrats who would rather vote for a Republican than for someone who looked different than them. The story went on about all these women from small towns around this country who say they love her so much they start crying at the sight of a pants suit at JC Penny’s. It’s a real crush. After I got my usual flat top and on my walk home it hit me why they may have decided to be sell outs and it didn’t have much to do with Hillary. I’m pretty sure any Democrat who is going to vote for McCain never has been too pumped up on MLK day and I’m thinking the idea of a President Obama makes these people run to the nearest Home Depot to put one more dead bolt on the front door. I guess you could call them old school Democrats. The ones who maybe had a father or uncle who would break out the fire hoses and mean dogs at the sight of anything beige or darker in their neighborhoods 60 years ago. Mr. Mason my 8th grade civics teacher told me all about this time when I was in junior high. He said it was real ugly. I’ve never forgotten what he told us in class. Now it’s not that I haven’t hung out with racists before but at least I’d never let them call me a good buddy. It must be sorta creepy for Hillary to know that about a 1/3 of her posse has more sheets in their homes than they really need for sleeping. I know a vote is a vote to a politician but c’mon. Sure Nixon, Reagan or Bush would dig having these people in their corner but a Democrat? It ain’t right and that’s why I will pretty much always be pissed off at Hillary Clinton. She knows all about who these people are, the ones who joined her team after she lost Iowa and why they signed up. A hint, STOP THE BLACK MAN! Mrs. Clinton started using all the buzz words these Mrs. Bubba’s and ex Mrs. Bubba’s get high on and she almost pulled it off. Just think if her people would have had the balls to go down this road from the start, they would have crushed everyone in their way. The Republicans would have cancelled their convention and probably closed down their party. But they didn’t and that’s why real Democrats still have a chance to win. Now it’s going to be hard to beat both the fake Democrats and real Republicans but it’s doable. Since the numbers are supposed to be about even now I’m guessing about 15 % of the people in those polls who say they would vote for Obama are going to wet their pants when they get in the voting booth and wimp out. I’m not a pro when it comes to this election game but it’s a no brainer that his guys are going to have to find and sign up at least 16% new voters to replace them. Another angle is they could hit up the Mr. Bubba’s, the husbands and ex husbands of the Mrs. Bubba’s and ex Mrs. Bubba’s about canceling out the vote of the women in their lives. Just to fuck with them and it’s a secret they could take to their grave. Stranger things have happened. I once voted for Janice Dingfield who was running for shop steward at the place I worked at. Now I should say I didn’t like her very much. Especially after I asked her out once and she laughed so hard snot came out of her nose. I would have erased that memory if she would have said yes but she shut me down so I still have flash backs of the flying mucus and it took a lot for me to actually vote for her but I did. Why? Because the dude she was running against was such a huge asshole I had to do the right thing. She won and for what it’s worth about a year later at our company Christmas party she slipped me the tongue after we both guzzled a bunch of mini bottles of vodka. All I could think about though was her bodily fluids and what might happen to me if I didn’t scram as fast as possible so I said I had to take a leak and never came back. I’m telling you this story cuz these fake Democrats should know better and do the right thing too even if they do hate Obama’s guts. The reason they can’t is I guess a black guy is even worse than a total asshole. Since there’s not much Obama can do about what pisses these people off he should just say 10-4 to them and the Clintons. I still have hope that this country will suck it up and do what needs to be done but if this man does not win in November then every person in America should be really embarrassed. It wasn’t long ago that country in Africa, I forgot which one, I think it was either South or North used to have this “apart” something. It was a system that a bunch of white people set up so they could run everything. Well even they figured out the white vs. black scam only works so long before most everyone decides it’s wrong. It’s time for us too. Later.



Limbaugh's BJ



I was visiting my buddy Calvin who works at a Jiffy Lube a few days ago. We go way back to high school where we shared a locker in the 10th grade. I like to stop and hang out with him while he works below the ground draining oil out of cars. Nobody knows I’m down there so sometimes I stay all day. His boss is a total dick though and makes everyone there listen to that gas bag Rush Limbaugh on the radio. AM radio. So I’m watching Calvin dump the oil out of some VW bug when I hear Rush start talking about the dude who ran for president, John Edwards. You know the guy who got some strange stuff after telling everyone he was Ward Cleaver? The guy who got that 400 dollar haircut? The guy who really, really likes to look at himself in the mirror? It was pretty big news when he got busted for being a horn dog like you and me. That’s what always happens when dudes try to be something they aren’t. Did I already say that Johnny boy went off on Clinton when he went for some strange stuff back in the day? No? Well, he wanted to impeach him. So it’s kinda hard to feel sorry for him right now and I don’t have a problem with Limbaugh ripping him. The deal is he then goes off on this riff about the guys wife Elizabeth. Yeah she’s the one who has cancer. The one who had a kid that died. The one in that family just about everyone likes a lot. Guess Limbaugh must have had a tough time the night before. Something made him be so grumpy. Maybe he ran out of his pills. I read somewhere he’s the one who invented the 16 ball, 2/3 Oxycontin cut with 1/3 Viagra and here’s a tip, it’s only for the hardcores as it’ll kill most normal humans. So he says that Mrs. Edwards rambles on a lot and just maybe her husband needed to find another woman who could use her mouth for something other than talking. It took me about 5 seconds to follow what he just said. After I heard Calvin’s boss laughing so hard I started to chuckle a little too until a real creepy feeling came over me. Was I really laughing at a joke about a woman who had the bad luck to be really sick right now? I’ve never had cancer before but I’m guessing it’s a bitch. Her lawyer husband did pipe up about not nailing that chick on the side until his wife’s doc said she was doing better. You gotta admit he does have balls. Not many guys would even think about going there as an angle to get off. I guess he’s hinting he wouldn’t have messed up if the doc had said she had 6 weeks to live. So anyway back to Limbaugh. Now I know I’ve said some not nice things about people before but none of them are maybe dying. This makes what he said lower than just about anything I can think of. What would make a sorta man go this route? Pissed off at all women? He’s been divorced at least 3 times. Even with his Viagra stash the guy can’t keep a woman happy so that’s kinda sad. But does it make it ok what he said? No, people burn in hell for saying things a lot less horrible. Maybe he knows he’s been put on earth to show people what true evil is. It’s not always scary monsters. Sick serial killers or dictators who try to wipe out everyone that doesn’t look like them. I think real evil can fake you out by not looking like it 24/7. It just sort of sneaks up on you and before you know it man it’s too late. This man has about 16 million people who listen to him each day and that doesn’t count Calvin and me who didn’t have any choice. He also has a ton of mini me’s out there like Hannity, O’Reilly and Savage. I mean he’s still the head cheese but there are other wannabes who will try and take it to another level. It just can’t be me that thinks that if there is a god then these guys are on his shit list. Bad things don’t always happen just to good people. I believe it all evens out and that’s what keeps me going cuz there are so many assholes out there and we can’t let them win every time. How fair would that be? Ok, I know life ain’t fair but I am wondering though how these guys would dig jokes about people in their families? The ones who are sick or even already dead? Doubt they would bust a gut. Ok, with Limbaugh that ones just too easy so I’ll take a pass and finish with this, the next time you hear this tubby right wing fuck say anything about a women needing to shut up give him a call when he’s on the air at the EIB Network and ask him when was the last time he got a blow job from the opposite sex without paying for it? You might then pipe in with a quick word that if he ever tried shutting up then maybe marriage number #4 might have a chance. Doubt it but you never know. Anyway gotta go now. Later.



HANNITY'S AMERICA

How cool would it be to have a whole country be your own personal property? That is usually stuff that only Kings and Hitler have ever been able to pull off. I guess until now as this dude has done it but I’m not sure how it went down. All I know is my tv guide says it in black n white, Hannity’s America! Before I actually saw it myself I never would have thought this ex frat boy pin head could ever get this kind of show. I know he does a program with that toy poodle Alan Colmes each weeknight but now he rules cable America. I’m betting all the guys in his frat house are wondering how the hell this happened . I mean they all knew he was a little kiss ass all through college but the place was full of leeches, why him? Why Sean? It’s a pretty amazing story. When I was working on my GED I didn’t have anybody to network with. No contacts to write down in my spiral notebook. No one to push me through the door before I could even walk. Maybe I’m wrong here but I’m guessing you too don’t have a show with America in the title so you understand where I’m coming from. It can’t just be me that thinks no one should be given too much too soon as it can make an already asshole less than human. When I accidentally surf by his face now on FOX NEWS I usually have this really creepy feeling come over me. Kind of like looking at a starving pit bull pick on a cocker spaniel. You know it’s not right to watch an unfair fight but you do on the chance that the pit bull might get run over by a truck before he eats the cocker spaniel alive. In this guys America Republicans are superhero’s who protect us from junk like facts. Down is up and up is down. If I hadn’t tuned into his program I never would have known that Obama’s uppity wife likes Iran more than the USA, that he hangs out with communists and his two kids are future suicide bombers. Where else can you get these scoops? Ok I mean on tv? I know no ones gonna watch a show that’s just about true stuff so FOX NEWS is going to be popular for a long, long time or at least until people start reading stuff besides People and US. We’ll know things have changed when the Safeway has something other than rags with how to lose 40 pounds in a week staring them in the face at the checkout counter. Now I have bought a butt load of those how to get rid of your thunder thighs too but I’m not real proud of it. I’m pretty sure Sean would piss his pants if people all of a sudden started buying Time and Newsweek instead. I’m talking millions and millions of now stupid people who would not be so stupid if they got their info from someone other than this guy but there’s as much chance of Santa leaving Molly Ringwald under my tree at Christmas as that happening. Ok, some of you are probably saying man are you into senior love or what? I know Molly probably peaked 15 years ago but I don’t throw away my favorite t-shirts just cuz they get a few holes in them. In my America she will always be hot! If I had my own show I could clue you in on other crap that makes this country cool, like country death metal-Tequila pop sickles- the Two Corey’s and a bunch of other things that you probably don’t have time to hear about right now. Trying to fight back with this stupid little blog thing is like going to war with a bb gun but it’s better than just rolling over and asking for another helping of doo-doo. That is unless you think that tastes better. It’s your call. Later.



BRITNEY+PARIS=BARACK???


This last week was a real trip if you watched the news on tv. I learned that Obama is now as cool as Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. I knew he was the shit but I never thought he was that big. It was weird that a dude like McCain would be telling everyone how popular the guy he’s running against is. That’s like the Yankees taking out an ad saying how great the Red Sox are or Coors telling everyone how much better Miller tastes. I gotta think Obamas’ wondering what’s up with all the love? Just a couple weeks ago the white guys in blue suits and red ties were ripping him for being a rookie and now they think he’s about to pass Jesus on who’s the most popular. He still has a ways to go on Allah and Buddha but he’s definitely hot right now. I guess people like Brad Pitt and Madonna are burned out on being really, really popular. They’ve had it with those papa something’s sticking camera’s in their faces at restaurants and airports. Now a few years back you know they would have killed to have somebody take their picture. They worked like hell to be bugged like this. It’s kinda funny huh? Don’t know if Obama’s burned out yet too but it sure seems to me that it’s way better to be popular than not popular. I’m now hearing all these republicans say that the couple hundred thousand Germans who come out on the street to say hi and listen to him rap about stuff was a bad thing. Real bad. What kind of politician dude draws that kind of crowd? That’s an easy question. None. At least not any republican ones. Can anyone think of a popular living republican? I know when they die they get sorta popular, about as much as say the Florida Marlins or that 5th or 6th rip off of CSI on CBS but when they’re still breathing which one of them could draw a crowd bigger than a cub scout pack? So even though McCain is saying all those nice things about Obama being a rock star you gotta figure it still pisses him off. When he goes to places to give sorta speeches most people in the crowd look like they’d rather be poked in the eyes with a pitch fork and those are his buddies. If he went somewhere that wasn’t full of people bused in from a nearby assisted living place it might look better on the tube. When you put a guy on a stage who looks whiter than Tony Robbins’ teeth with a crowd (how big does a bunch of people have to be to be a crowd?) even whiter than him it gets pretty scary, like being snow blinded. They should rent some brown skinned guys or something if they have to. Maybe Obama could loan them some of his posse since he’s so damn popular these days. He could spare them cuz how popular does he want to be? How much is too much? If you ask assholes like Limbaugh and Hannity being liked by just about everyone but them is real bad. Worse than being a communist or something (are there any of those left?). I’m starting to think those guys want people that are not popular to really hate Obama for being what they aren’t. Since there are millions more of the not’s than the are’s then maybe they can mess him up. I mean McCain could be the first president elected for being not popular. How fucked up would that be? I mean pretty soon you could see all the crappy things in America become hot. Like the Seattle Mariners, stuffed crust pizza and Hummers (the car). I won’t lie to you that would probably be a really good thing for me. I mean how cool would it be for more than 4 people to actually dig my stuff? If all of a sudden bad was good my life would be a total blast but it would also mean the mummy man would be our next president and that’s not ok. I’m just hoping all the un popular voters out there don’t get too hacked off at Obama for being what they aren’t and do the right thing. I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed. In the meantime maybe he should just stay home at his crib, keep a low profile and all this popularity thing will go away. I read today that he’s going to do his big speech at the convention in the freaking Denver Bronco’s stadium so maybe not. We’re talking 78,00 humans. It’s not two hundred thousand Germans but it’ll still make the haters go crazy and flip out cuz their guy couldn’t fill up a mobile home. I can’t wait until this election is over and I can go back to worrying about things like my prostate and getting evicted. Later.

ALAN COLMES – Part 1

I used to have a little buddy that reminds me a lot of that Alan Colmes dude on FOXNEWS. His name was Dodger and he was a poodle. The family got him when our other dog Jiffy choked on a baseball. I was like 7 years old and they thought it was important that I get another dog real quick before I started to think about dying and stuff. I never bonded with Dodger. I mean he used to lick me in the face until I’d cry. My mom said he liked me very much but I thought it was too much. He didn’t get it that I needed some time alone occasionally and would bug me 24/7. I still feel bad to this day that I didn’t cry when he got run over by our neighbors riding lawnmower. The dad was a drunk and he would take out the Toro for a spin around the block sometimes. On that day I guess it was just Dodger’s time. Deep down I knew that something had to give or I would end up hating all dogs cuz he couldn’t stop slobbering on me. I might even have turned into a cat person or something if he had lived to 14 or 15.
Alan Colmes maybe doesn’t lick his good buddy Sean Hannity all day but I think it’s probably most of the day. When I watch them together on tv I think ok, I know most poodles might dig sniffing the ass of a good buddy but a real live sort of human may feel different and I’m sure that Hannity dude must get tired of it. I think that’s why he started that other show on FOXNEWS called Hannity’s America. He needed his space and the name of the show pretty much guarantees that Alan won’t be around on the weekends. It’s not Hannity and Colmes’s America. I don’t think Sean’s into sharing this country so Alan is going to have to do all his licking on their regular show. I guess the big wigs at FOXNEWS decided to call him a liberal so it’s easier for him to do the licking. Nobody would buy a conservative licking the ass of a liberal. It’s not happening in Hannity’s America. No sir, so we sit and watch Alan say stuff each night that they write for him. Not softballs but no balls. It’s depressing to see but also kinda kinky. Sean might as well be dressed up in a black leather jump suit with whips and chains cuz he’s a real deal dominatrix to his buddy. It’s cool they feel ok to share it with the world. There are some I know who don’t feel ok watching stuff like this but with that internet thingy it’s clear most people do dig sick shit. Every night I hear Sean pounding on Obama like a nail. It’s either that Reverend Wright guy or that 60’s hippie terrorist dude or no flag pin or his uppity wife. He can do an hour at least on just one of those things. You get the idea that he really, really, really enjoys this. Maybe even more than the licking from Alan. I know he must be messed up cuz he spent so many years beating up Hillary Clinton and now she’s about to be so yesterday. What a waste and without Alan around to cheer him up I think Sean might have turned into a cutter or something. That’s what man’s best friends are for. You’ll never find a cat licking the ass of someone other than themselves. It would be too un cool and that’s why I hate cats. They think they’re so special and I don’t buy it. Anyway, when FOXNEWS has on all their republican pals saying garbage about the democrats I know some people expect Alan to pipe up and say “I don’t know if that’s true, can I take a moment to google that?” It would be nice but it can’t happen cuz even very friendly poodles can be put to sleep. I know it’s better to live so that’s why I’m not a hater of Alan Colmes. He deserves the right to live and who are we to say he’s a total waste of human flesh?
When we buried Dodger in our backyard I did a decent job of faking out my parents (I hit myself really hard in the groin so the tears were real) cuz the next week they bought another dog, this time a cockapoo. His name was Ringo and he never licked me so I can say he was my most favorite dog. When he died I did cry for real and skipped classes about a week my senior year in high school trying to get over it. It was tough. We were a lot alike. We both knew that there are some things in life you just don’t do and one of them is to never, ever lick someone’s ass on live tv. Maybe we might need to do so in an emergency like if someone kidnapped your wife and you got a ransom note demanding you tongue the morning crew at the Jamba Juice place at the mall or they’ll off her. Then you gotta do what you gotta do. I’m guessing a lap dog like Alan Colmes knows what he’s doing is wrong. He must figure that one day FOXNEWS will appreciate what he’s done for them. Without him and those sort of black people they rent the place couldn’t be “fair and balanced.” Maybe they’ll give him his own show really late at night or something. The whole point in being a whore is getting paid and someone said a long time ago that every poodle gets his day, so don’t cry for Alan Colmes. When his time comes and FOXNEWS does toss him away like a used Trojan he’ll be just fine. I do sort of worry about that Hannity dude. Once you get used to having your ass taken care of each day it’ll be tough for him until they find someone else to handle the duties. I will stay on top of this one and keep you posted. Later.

In Obama We Trust

I think I should say my bad right about now. A couple weeks ago I got sort of pissed off at Obama for flop flipping on junk that I thought was important. The stuff is still important to me but after seeing him all week on tv in a bunch of foreign places representing the millions of us that aren’t total assholes I’m thinking I may owe him one. For like 7 years and a few more months most of the rest of the world has hated our guts. Something about a couple of dickheads, one from Texas and the other from like Wyoming saying we’re all that and not really needing to hear from anybody else on earth. And if we do ever need to give a high five to anybody we’ll let them know. I guess we’ve become Eddie Haskell and just don’t get it how bad other countries want to see us get ours. It didn’t use to be this way. I know all about the Ugly American thing from the 60’s but there were still a few places that showed us some love, not like these days where every living thing out side of the USA that can either speak or flip us off with some limb attached to a body is letting go with how they really feel. You know for a fact if polar bears or salmon could pound out an e mail they’d be totally jamming up the two stooges inbox with a short “what the fuck are you doing” note. So getting back to Obama, I just re read what I put up about the dude and I’m feeling like I violated like about 7 of those commandment dealybobs. A couple showers couldn’t make me feel much better so I wanted to crank this out before I head home and try to crash for awhile. I’m thinking that anything other than giving this man the go ahead to clean up the mess we’re in is not a good thing. Another 4 or 8 years of republicans calling the shots and we better start learning Chinese or Venezu something. Anything but English cuz I’m pretty sure the world isn’t speaking Roman anymore either. I’m not saying we’re going to go out of business but it’s going to be like it was for VHS tapes, dial up connections and Pamela Anderson. Tough times. So I’ve decided to do anything I have to. To step up and do my part. Believe me I know I’m just some little dweeb typing on a computer at the library, pretending that someone is actually reading this right now but we all gotta do something.
That mummy man guy McCain is trying to keep Bush alive by talking a bunch of smack about Obama being an empty suit. I think that means Obama isn’t really alive. That maybe he’s one of those holograms or a just an actor playing the part of the most important guy running for president since Kennedy. That would include both of the brothers who were shot by people who knew that was the only way to stop them. This time we all need to watch Obama’s back cuz the closer we get to the election, the more it’s looking like he could maybe get the chance to fix the freaking disaster we are in. Of course that also means it’s going to get really, really dangerous for him. From what I can see he’s not afraid of much. I even read something where said he doesn’t do “cowering” (to save you the time of looking that word up it means he ain’t going to piss his pants any time soon) but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be a little scared. I’m no college graduate and haven’t read every history book about this country but I know people with power don’t give up power without a fight. So from here to November 5th Obama needs to be like family to you and me. You know how it is with that uncle, brother or sister who screw up but you do what you have to do to cover for them in front of other people. Yeah, when you get them back home you let em have it but it stays in the family. He may have flopped flipped a bit lately but he’s still family. I’m sorry about my temper tantrum and I’ll try to keep that in mind from now on. Later.

Obama's Flop Flipping


I’m hearing on all the talking head cable tv shows Obama’s been changing his mind a lot these days. Most of the speed talkers on the tube say it’s not a good thing so I’ve been thinking about it all day. Is it really a bad thing to say one thing and then do something else? I guess it depends if the first thing you said was kinda crazy. Like when Bush said that dead guy Saddam was going to launch a nuke at my apartment building any day things might have turned out better if he had sat down and figured out that maybe there was a better way to protect us than to invade that sandy part of the world. I don’t think anyone would have thought he was a pussy if he had changed his mind about dropping all that shock n awe on them. What if he had just waited until the dude wet his pants and gave in after we had him surrounded. It couldn’t have taken more than 5 years. Besides saving us a couple trillion a lot more people would be getting around now with their own arms and legs. Or if Cheney would say my bad about this global warming shit. Maybe if he said honest people can realize they screwed up and then actually do the right thing at least polar bears would be a lot more happy these days.
Now I know the stuff Obama’s been changing his mind on ain’t no little shit. Like his vote to let the freaking telephone companies walk on getting their ass sued for pissing on the constitution. Even Hillary couldn’t do it and that says a lot. Or his thumbs up on frying people for junk other than like murder. Or saying it was a good idea to hand over our money to church groups trying to save people. I don’t have a problem with these guys serving up breakfast or dinner to all the people who had their houses stolen but having to sign up to be an altar boy or usher to get the free meal sounds like some place other than America. Or him now being against gun control. What’s better, me getting shot dead or having a right to have a glock strapped to my dead body? I’d rather be alive with just a number 2 pencil on me. Or maybe not ending the war as soon as possible like he promised for about a year and a half. Now he says it could stretch on for a while. Like I knew our spooks would be hanging out there way after I’m dead and buried along side my cat Sparkles but why do we need to keep all the rest of our soldiers there? Isn’t there a real war going on in another country in that sandy part of the world? Afgana something? Now that’s a real nasty place and getting worse by the day. How cool would it be if Bush came on the tv and said he was sorry about that Iraq fuck up and now he was going to send everything we had to kick the ass of the guys who actually did kill a bunch of us here in this country. It’s time he told those Talibana’s that they can’t mess with Texas or the rest of us. Now is this going to happen? Probably not cuz politicians don’t like to say I screwed up. I think they would rather give up a testicle than admit they were wrong.
I never did see Obama on tv this week saying “hey, I made a bad call and now I’m making the decision I should have made in the first place” when he wussed out on all these things. Like all the others he just sort of pretended he meant to do this all along. That it was our mistake if we thought he had said something else when he was thinking about running for president. Why did I think he was different than all the others when he’s just sort of a non fat, sugar free version? Basically the same but with a small twist, skin color. That’s still enough reason for me to vote for him. I may be a stale white guy but I know for a fact that we don’t need another stale white guy to be the head cheese of this country. For 232 years they’ve had their shot and mostly struck out. Let the new guy in class have a shot even if he might be the one who narc’s on you to the teacher for chewing gum in class. He deserve a chance. Even if he does change his mind a lot. It sure would be nicer if he was changing his mind and making a better choice than the fist thing he said to us but no, so far all the changes are totally lame. The stuff you would see if you checked out a manual from the library on how to run for office. I could save Obama millions by not having him run those stupid commercials saying he’s not any different than you or me. You see that’s the problem, we don’t want him to be like us. We know what we’d do and that’s sell out quicker than a fastball from Randy Johnson. Like a 10 years ago version of Randy Johnson. We want to vote for someone better than us. Someone who if they change their mind, they do it for the right reasons not cuz it’s the smart thing to do. Smart is not always right. Google that Karl Rove dude and nothing more needs to be said. So I really hope that very soon my guy Obama stops changing his mind and starts keeping his word. Now that would be a guy anybody other than cross burning freaks would vote for. Later.

The Two Corey's

There’s tv and there’s tv. I know most the stuff on the tube is total crap, filler for the real deal, the commercials but this show is different. It’s important. It’s my favorite show right now and if you haven’t been watching then maybe you should just kill yourself now because there’s something wrong with you. It’s on the A & E channel but don’t let that scare you they have other junk that’s not for smart people. The program is called “The Two Coreys” and it kicks ass so much that I feel like I should say a thank you to God for putting it on the air. Why do I like it so much? Two words, Feldman & Haim or 3 if you count the &. They are freaking amazing and even better than anything that’s on Faces of Death 1 or 2. Now there might be a couple people out there who may have been in a coma or something during the late 80’s and early 90’s but these two Coreys ruled the earth. They made movies not films, like License To Drive and Dream A Little Dream. DeNiro can make all the Raging Bulls and Taxi Drivers he wants but these two dudes gave us some good shit. Now each Sunday night I get to see what they are up to these days and it’s better than sex (not a tough call since my Visa card is maxed out). I mean Feldman still looks like the guy in that Leprechaun movie (I don’t think he was actually in it) but he rocks. It’s so cool to see he has a personal assistant and a bodyguard. Yep, the security’s a huge black dude named Dre (aren’t they all?) and I bet he feels like squishing his boss every time he tries to sing. Feldman even has a band. Kinda like the people who write books and pay someone to print them. They have the bread so why not? The thing is he sounds worse than a vacuum cleaner. It’s pretty bad but he seems to think he’s better than Bono or Trent Reznor so that makes it really fun to watch. He sings to his total babe of a wife on the show and she might be the only female on earth who can sit there listening to his crap and not smack him in the mouth. I guess that’s true love. And did I mention she’s been in like Playboy magazine too? I do wonder who buys his clothes though. Feldman wears a lot of leather coats and hats with lame logo’s on them. In fact I don’t think he owns anything without some dragon or kung fu chicken drawn on it. He looks like he got Michael Jackson’s hand me downs a few years ago. A lot of almost military stuff that some country in South America might have given Mikey on the Thriller tour. But no matter how many haters there are out there I don’t think he’s going to care much because he’s Corey freaking Feldman!
Now the other Corey is scary tv cuz he isn’t just an ex actor drug addict trying to make a comeback, he’s an ex actor drug addict trying to make a comeback who is madly in love with himself. This makes for the best stuff to watch you can find anywhere, anyplace. Sure the other Corey has the Hollywood mansion, the hot wife and wears sunglasses at night, this Corey is the shit cuz he’s someone we all know (except the ex actor thing). The fuck up that you hang out with and don’t really know why. He shouts he loves you so much you start to hate the word and begin to think about moving in the middle of the night to anywhere else. Corey Haim may never work again in Hollywood but he’s still cooler than Mickey Rourke or Tom Sizemore. Ok, maybe not Sizemore, he get’s bonus points for Heidi Fleiss. The Haimster is at his best when he’s talking about his favorite subject, himself. I kinda like myself too but this guy takes it to another level, almost slipping himself the tongue sometimes. The biggest reason I like this Corey even more than the other Corey is how much of a screw up he is with chicks. He couldn’t be worse if he tried. I know some of his problems are because of those same coats and shirts with more stupid logos on them. Has he ever heard of a plain t-shirt? Don’t think so and that’s why I always am yelling at the tv so loud my upstairs neighbor Ted screams at me to shut up. He may not be wearing any of MJ’s rejects but they could be hand me downs from any of those Back Street Boys. I know clothes don’t make the man but they can sure make someone want to cut your balls off. Or at least a toe. Anyway, Haim wants to be best friends again with his buddy Feldman but it just doesn’t look like it’s going to happen and it’s tough to see it go down. I also have been rejected by a guy who I thought was my best friend. We used to go everywhere together. Played Frisbee golf with him every Sunday, went to the swap meet the third Saturday of each month and even had tattoos of each other’s name put on our right butt cheek. And then he met a girl and it was over. She wasn’t in Playboy or anything but she was way hotter than anyone he had ever gone out with. I knew right away that I was toast and would have to learn to play Frisbee golf solo. Don’t think I ever got over it and I’m betting once Haim figures out Feldman is only hanging out with him to get his mug on tv it’s going to be really, really sad. I’m thinking it’s coming up on a episode pretty soon. Or maybe not. It’s possible Feldman will want to do one more season before he tells Haim to get lost. I’m thinking his wife may talk him into sucking it up until she gets a centerfold or at least a guest shot on Night Calls (if it hadn’t gotten cancelled). So we’ll see how this car wreck is going to go down. Either way it’s not going to be pretty and that’s why America is the greatest country in the world. I gotta go now cuz in like 5 minutes one of their bests, Blown Away is on TBS. Later.